Considering divorce? Try these strategies first
Human behaviourist Dr John Demartini offers advice on successful strategies to use to reduce the probability of divorce
Every partner in a relationship wishes to be loved and appreciated for who they are and what is most meaningful to them. If they are in a relationship where they feel that their partner sacrifices for them and is over supportive, they can get bored. And if they are in a relationship with a person who over challenges them, they can get burned out.
A lasting relationship demands a healthy balance of support and challenge. When either support or challenge becomes extreme, this can result in a lack of fulfillment that leads to consideration of either affairs or divorce. To reduce that probability, there are things you can do:
1. Determine what is truly important to you both
Determine for yourself and your mate what you truly value, what’s truly important, what you are truly dedicated to, what’s truly meaningful to your life. To determine what this is, you need to know yourself and you need to know your partner. Determining your values and priorities and theirs is crucial. For more information on this, see the Value Determination Process in the Demartini Method.
2. Determine how your individual values are being met in the relationship
Once you determine their values, one of the greatest questions you will ever ask in a relationship before you throw in the towel is how what your partner is dedicated to, what is most meaningful and important to them, is helping you, and vice-versa. How is what they are dedicated to helping you with what you are dedicated to? Amd, how is what you are dedicated to helping them?
Answer that 30 to 50 times both ways. If you can’t see how what they’re dedicated to is helping you fulfill what you’re dedicated to, you’re going to want to change them and fix them, and talk down to them, and you’re going to undermine the relationship.
By finding out what they are dedicated serves you, you respect them and you will listen to them with a dialogue instead of with an alternating monologue. So first you identify the values, and then you link those values.
3. Consider what you don’t like about your partner
Write down everything that pushes your buttons, those things that you are resenting and disliking in the relationship, that is making you even consider the idea of a divorce. Reflect deeply, self expect and look at where you do the same things in your own way. It’s easy to judge another person and not look at yourself; it’s wiser to look within and find out what you’re doing that you see in that person. Be less judgmental and more adaptable and appreciative of them.
4. List the positives
Make a list of the things you do have in common, the similarities, those things you are grateful for. Because when you’re resenting somebody you can overlook those things and minimise them. The seer, the seeing and the seen are the same. Whatever you see in your partner, look for in yourself, because many things we resent in other people represent things we are guilty about that we have done ourselves. And they remind us of what we don’t like about ourselves. So we want to retaliate and avoid them. After you’ve made an extensive list of all the things that you have in common, that are similar, that you like and you appreciate, you may find yourself not even having to consider a divorce after all.
If you don’t take the time to work through these things, you may break up a relationship that could function. My advice: try to fire the relationship up before you fire it out. You might just be able to transform an unfulfilling relationship into something that can last. Divorce is a last resort, not the first choice.
Dr. John Demartini is a human behaviour specialist, educator, author and the founder of the Demartini Institute.