READ TIME: 11m
DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 3 days ago
In all likelihood, you have come across a number of individuals who start sharing their story of how they have been a victim of something – stories that are often filled with anger, frustration and blame toward others. The common theme is often that they are the victim and others are to blame for what has happened TO them.
The Greek philosopher Epictetus once said that when you start your personal development journey, you blame other people. As you progress along that path, you start blaming yourself. But when you finally reach a point of true awareness, you realize there's nothing to blame because you understand that everything was ON the way, not IN the way. The only thing that changed was your perception.
Many people who attend my signature 2-day Breakthrough Experience seminar program, which I teach almost every week to attendees around the world, want me to listen as they run their story about how they’ve been a victim of something or someone. Frankly, I’m not always interested in hearing the entire story - unless I need specific details or data from it - because once I take them step by step through the Demartini Method, their victim narrative disappears.
What you may not yet know is that this victim narrative activates the subcortical nuclei of your brain – the amygdala and hippocampus. This is the animal survival portion of your brain that keeps you in a fight-or-flight mode where you are likely distressed and anxious. So, I’m not being cold or unfeeling in not listening to a victim narrative, I simply find it unproductive. I prefer to hold you accountable to your self-mastery journey by opening you up to a new set of questions to help you perceive your experience differently.
William James, the father of modern psychology, believed the greatest discovery in his generation was that people could alter their lives by altering their perceptions and attitudes of mind.
I believe that you have the ability to change your perception of events, and in doing so, change the story you tell yourself and others. Staying stuck in your story where you are the victim is not the most productive state you can be in, and in fact is something I believe to be counterproductive because it keeps you stuck in a rut and trapped in the same mindset.
This is something I help people work through in my Breakthrough Experience program by asking them questions that reveal the other unconscious side of what they’re perceiving.
For example, a topic that often crops up is someone telling me, “My father was abusive.” I’ll likely respond by asking, “What specific trait, action, or inaction did you perceive your father displaying or demonstrating that you resented the most and labelled as abusive?”
They might say, “He verbally criticized me in front of my friends.” Now we have identified a specific trait or action that the individual is judging and attaching to their victim story.
Then I’ll say, “Go to a moment where and when you perceived YOURSELF verbally criticizing somebody in front of other people.” And often, the initial response is, “I would never do that.” That’s a big red flag for me because when someone says, “I would never do that,” it’s predictably a distortion. As such, I’ll encourage them to look again, because people verbally criticize someone at some point in their life. My role is to hold them accountable until they can find a moment where they have, in fact, displayed that same behavior.
Once they identify it, I’ll ask, “WHERE was it? WHEN was it? WHO did you do it to, and WHO perceived you that way?” In other words, I help them identify when and where they displayed that trait, action or inaction.
We critically judge people on the outside who represent a part of us on the inside that we’re ashamed of. This is why we may be resentful toward others because they make us confront disowned aspects of ourselves.
You may be familiar with Romans 2:1 that says, “Beware of judging others, for the very thing you judge, you have done yourself.”
Over the years, I’ve identified 4,628 different human behaviors, and recognized that I’ve displayed each and every one of them at some point in my life. So, I don’t waste my time denying it, and instead just do the work to figure out when and where I displayed that behavior.
Most often, when I ask people to do the same, they consciously or subconsciously don’t want to, because they’ve dissociated from the part of themselves that they’re ashamed with. So, I hold them accountable to identify where and when they have.
If we continue using the example above, I ask them to go to the NEXT moment when they verbally criticized someone in front of others, instead of stopping at just the first instance. Again, many will continue to deny that trait, because it affects their perception of themselves as being “superior” to the other individual. I explain to them that as long as they stay in denial, they’ll likely remain victims of their own experience, stuck in their story, blaming others, and perceiving that they are a victim of their history instead of a master of their destiny.
I don't find that to be productive at all. So, I’ll help them work through this process again and again until they realize they've done it to the same degree, quantitatively and qualitatively, as what they’re judging in someone else.
It may be worth noting that in my 38 years of addressing this particular issue, I have yet to find anyone who couldn’t own within themselves what they’ve projected onto others.
Many people avoid confronting the truth of their own lives, but when they do, they suddenly realize that they’ve been judging others for displaying parts of themselves they haven't yet owned or loved. In owning that trait, they move from a state of DEFLECTIVE awareness to REFLECTIVE awareness.
Next, I ask them to recall a moment when they perceived this individual displaying the trait they despise – like verbal criticism in front of others. In this case, they would remember a time their father verbally criticized them in front of friends. I then ask, “How did that serve you? What was the benefit of that criticism?”
At first, they often tend to resist, saying it was so terrible and couldn’t possibly have any benefit. But I keep asking because if they refuse to look for the benefits, they will likely remain stuck in a victim mentality and only perceive one side of the experience. They may be doing it for attention, sympathy, or to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. They often don’t realize or own the role they’re playing in that dynamic and assume that they’re the innocent victim. I believe that mindset is quite disempowering.
So, I’ll ask them to reconsider how this experience helped them in any of the seven areas of life: their career, intellectual development, financial development, family dynamics, social life, physical fitness, health, or spirituality. I prompt them to clearly and specifically identify how it has benefited the things that matter most and are the most priority for them. When they hold themselves accountable and start seeing the benefits, many are brought to tears of appreciation – once unconscious information becomes conscious.
Every weekend in my Breakthrough Experience, I witness this breakthrough: people seeing that once the benefits equal the drawbacks, their victim mentality immediately dissolves.
They realize they’ve actually played a role in a dynamic they perceived as being one-sided. They see how the criticism, while unpleasant, helped them grow, become more independent, less arrogant, more resilient, and more adaptable. They break the childish fantasy that mommies and daddies are supposed to always be nice, and in doing so, start to mature. And then they recognize that what they once resented actually SERVED them, which calms down their resentment. As such, they begin to change their story.
That’s why I don’t dwell on the old story of victimhood because it’s a victim story that keeps them from growing. Once they own their behavior and see the benefits, the story shifts.
I then say, “Let's go to the point where you did this behavior to those people you did it to and find out how it served THEM.” The reason for this is simple: if they don’t recognize how it served others, they will likely continue to carry shame or guilt. And shame leaves people vulnerable, making them more likely to resent those who remind them of what they feel guilty about.
They may initially resist the process of trying to identify the benefits because they perceive that their behavior didn’t help anyone. I explain that their belief is based on an incomplete, one-sided notion of how people “should” behave, which is unrealistic and often rooted in societal or religious conditioning or moral hypocrisies.
To be clear, I’m not asking them to justify or try to excuse their behavior. I simply ask, “How did it serve them?” because in the majority of cases, they may never have looked for the benefit side of the equation. By looking closely, they can see both sides. By asking, “What are the benefits or upsides?” they can dissolve their shame and guilt, feel gratitude towards themselves, and notice that their resentment towards the other individual has shifted.
Next, I say to them, "Now, go to a moment where you recall this same individual who verbally criticized you, but this time imagine them doing the exact opposite - verbally praising you in front of others."
This is a question that many people have not yet been asked, nor have they worked to identify that same individual displaying the OPPOSITE trait toward them. We’ll work together to list the times when that same individual verbally praised them. When they look closely at this particular situation where they were criticized, they can see that when they were humble and did things to support that individual’s highest values, they praised them. However, when they were arrogant and challenged that individual’s highest values, they were criticized. In doing so, they realized that their judgment of this individual as being “always or mostly critical” wasn’t accurate and instead a one-sided perception. Once they fully comprehend that this individual has actually displayed both sides – praise and criticism – this shifts their story once again.
Finally, I ask, "Identify who, at the time of the criticism, was praising you and putting you on a pedestal. This may have led to you becoming cocky and proud, which means that you needed to be humbled and brought back down into authenticity."
This often comes as a surprise when they realize that they need both sides to keep them in equilibrium. By seeing both sides, they are more likely to understand that neither praise nor criticism defines them – they can simply be themselves.
This is just one example to illustrate how the Demartini Method, that I teach as part of the Breakthrough Experience, works in action. When you work through the series of questions, and I have around 80 of them, you can begin to neutralize and change your story – and with that comes appreciation, gratitude, and love for the individual involved.
Once you have gone through the process and worked through the Demartini Method, you are more able to see the hidden order in what you perceived as being apparent chaos, and feel grateful, certain, poised, and present.
There is no reason for you to have to remain stay stuck in your story or narrative where you have positioned yourself as the victim. Instead of feeling stuck, angry, bitter and frustrated, not to mention anxious because you are stuck in a fantasy that people are supposed to be kind not cruel, or supportive not challenging, you can feel inspired, vitalized and grateful.
To Sum Up
I’m not interested in victim stories that keep you stuck. Instead, I am inspired to awaken you to unconscious information and facts overlooked so I can help you TRANSFORM your story.
No matter what happens in your life, you have the power to turn it into something you can use to do something extraordinary with your life.
The quality of your life is based on the quality of questions you ask. The Demartini Method that I teach in the Breakthrough Experience is a series of questions to help you break through obstacles and challenges you perceive you are trapped in.
You’re only trapped, because you are missing information. Once you become conscious of that missing information, can see both sides, and balance the equation, your story changes.
If you’re ready to change your perception and elevate your life, I invite you to learn more about the Breakthrough Experience or the Demartini Method. This is your opportunity to free yourself from the limitations of your current story and start living a life of greater meaning, purpose, and fulfilment.
Contact us today and take the first step toward transforming your life. What you learn in these two days will be a tool you can use for the rest of your life in every area of your life.
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