The Science of Attraction

DR JOHN DEMARTINI   -   Updated 2 months ago

Dr Demartini answers a frequently asked question: What can you do to be perceived to be more attractive to increase your chance of finding or keeping an intimate relationship? The answer may surprise you.


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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 2 months ago

The more empowered you are, the higher the probability of becoming more attractive to a potential mate.

When it comes to empowering your overall life, there are seven areas of your life you can empower. I refer to them as:

  • Spiritual: Your meaningful purpose or inspired mission for your life
  • Mental: Creating intelligent, innovative ideas that contribute to the world and using your creative mental capacities to the fullest
  • Vocational: Career success, achievement, service in a sustainable fair exchange and profitable manner.
  • Financial: Financial freedom/independence – where you money is working for you more than you for it.
  • Familial: True desire for family love and relationship intimacy
  • Social: Social influence and leadership making a difference
  • Physical: Wellness, attractiveness, fitness, stamina, strength, and well-being

All of these seven areas represent different facets of your individual power. In my model, these seven areas serve as the core measurements of empowerment.

When seeking a partner, most people tend to try find someone who embodies as many of these powers as possible. Moreover, most people attempt to develop as many of these powers within themselves to increase the probability of attracting a suitable partner.

During my five decades of human behavior research, I've often asked both men and women about their preferences when seeking a partner. Here are some key factors that consistently stand out: physical attraction and fitness, intelligence and witty, ambition, financial stability, desirability and affection, social skills and connections, living an inspired life.

I think it’s fair to say that hardly anyone wakes up in the morning wishing for less awareness, intelligence, ambition, financial stability, attractiveness, stability in relationships, social influence, physical fitness, or inspiration. People tend to aspire to expand these seven areas in their lives. As such, when searching for a mate, they likely look for someone who can complement and help fulfill their own empowerment in these seven areas.

Based on extensive surveys and conversations with hundreds of thousands of people, these seven areas consistently emerge as key priorities.

So, if you’re looking for a partner, you’re likely seeking someone who can assist you in empowering all seven aspects of your life and who are empowered in as many these same seven areas themselves as possible.

Many people think of attraction as being primarily a physical attraction but it’s not just about physical bodily attraction! You may also have strengths in certain areas and seek complementary strengths in a partner.

In a way, it's about finding the disowned parts of yourself to ‘complete’ what you may consciously or unconsciously perceive is missing in you.

Any area in your life where you perceive yourself to lack empowerment, you tend to attract a partner to fill in that gap, to assist in giving you overall empowerment in your life. As such, it’s wise to recognize that empowerment is largely a matter of perception.

Meeting someone who you look up to or perceive as being above you in any of the seven areas of life can through the law of contrast make yourself feel disempowered in turn, while perceiving someone to be beneath you can make you exaggerate your power within. These are fluctuating perceptions that determine what you have to offer in the marketplace, and where you feel less or more confident in the marketplace relative to somebody else.


Many women I speak to claim that men are only interested in their looks. However, the men I’ve interviewed mostly explain how they are looking for a woman who is empowered in as many of those seven areas as possible in addition to a woman who is attractive.

It’s true that visual attraction does often serve as the initial spark, given its efficiency in identifying potential partners. It’s why so many people tend to spend time investing in their visual appearance, as it can significantly impact their attractiveness. After all, if someone doesn’t perceive you to be visually appealing, you might not get a second chance unless you manage to engage them socially and impress them with your other qualities.

In essence, any area in which you perceive yourself relatively diminished in empowerment can make you vulnerable to others overpowering you, especially when searching for a mate. If you're not perceiving yourself to be particularly fit, intelligent, ambitious, or empowered in other dimensions, this might limit your options.

So, as you embark on your journey to find a partner, it is wise to remember that you're likely looking for someone who helps you empower yourself across these seven areas, just as they are likely looking for the same in you.

Empowering yourself in each of these areas can greatly enhance your appeal in the dating realm.

I set out when I was 18 years old to empower all seven areas of my life. I identified those seven areas back then, and I've been working on helping myself and others empower those areas for the past 50 plus years.

It might help to think of it this way.

Any are of life you do not empower is an area someone else can overpower.

Any area of you do empower can become a magnet for attention. For instance, consider individuals with exceptional creative talents, including Beethoven and Da Vinci. Intellectual prowess, such as Einstein; and physical prowess, such as Olympic medalists with enviable physiques. So any area that you empower tends to give you an advantage when it comes to attracting and retaining a partner.

It is not just about empowering the seven areas initially so you can attract and acquire a partner, it is also about maintaining your seven powers to sustain the relationship longer term. 

Over the past five decades, I've devoted my life to understanding and teaching how to empower every one of the seven areas of your life. This involves asking questions like:

  • How can you foster intellectual growth?
  • How can you expand your business and accumulate wealth?
  • How do you become inspired by what you are doing?
  • How do you keep your body as fit as possible?
  • How do you become stable in your relationship and not flirtatious?
  • And, how do you empower all these areas?

That's the key because it underlies the magnetism of attracting a mate. The more empowered you are, the higher the probability of finding someone and having a contributive, communicative, meaningful and enduring relationship with them.


Some might argue that it all comes down to chemistry, However, this chemistry is a result of the ratios of perception, as I've discovered through engaging with countless people. An amusing anecdote illustrates this: during one of my Breakthrough Experience seminar programs in Sydney, Australia, a woman sneaked in early, eagerly proclaiming her quest for a soulmate.

In jest, I pointed out a man to her in the audience who did not initially match her criteria, especially in the physical department. Her reaction was that he wasn’t her type.

I then had some fun with her and told her that he was one of the country's wealthiest billionaires, living a life of luxury and mingling with global leaders and celebrities. To pique her interest, I weaved a compelling narrative around his life, emphasizing the numerous other powers he possessed.

Her response after a few minutes of listening to my made-up dissertation of his powers in the 7 areas of life: she suddenly requested an introduction to him.

All I did was stack up enough associations that matched the powers in the seven areas of life so that she associated more opportunities and empowerment in the six areas other than his physical appearance. In other words, the neurochemistry of attraction has a lot to do with what you perceive the individual to be and what you perceive they can offer you – it’s not all about physical attraction because people tend to want the best overall package that’s out there – although fitness and appearance can certainly be an added bonus.

Most people have a checklist when it comes to finding a partner; and this checklist comprises seeking search images and avoiding anti-search images.

Anything that's been painful in a relationship, you likely create as an anti-search image, while anything that's been pleasureful, you likely create a search image. In other words, you tend to avoid certain people that are associated with pain and seek those that have been associated with pleasure.

That response is driven by your amygdala in your subcortical region of your brain that is activated and reacting in a primitive rest or digest and fight-or-flight, seek pleasure or avoid pain, and react.

However, if you’re relatively empowered in all 7 areas of your life, you’ll be more likely to use your prefrontal cortical executive center of your brain. You’ll be more objective, less seeking and avoiding and more likely to strategically, proactively aligning yourself with an overall equally empowered individual for the sake of fulfilling possibly a common inspired goal. Your relationship will more likely be for the sake of fulfilling a common vision as opposed to the sake of completing what you perceive to be lacking in yourself.


The majority of people seek what they perceive to be the ‘greatest’ possible package in a mate, and empowering all seven areas of your life will likely give you a competitive advantage.

So, how can you empower all seven areas of your life?

What I have found most effective and that I recommend is to identify your highest value(s). When you live congruently with your highest value(s), the actions that are most important and highest in priority, make your blood, glucose, and oxygen flow into the forebrain, the executive center, and you tend to have more objectivity, more emotional stability and more clarity, and are more likely to have strategic planning, risk mitigation, foresight, inspired vision, and the ability to execute plans without impulses and instincts distracting you.

You also tend to be more stable and more powerful. It’s for this reason that people who prioritize their life and do things that are high in value, tend to become more valuable.

In fact, when you do things that are high in value, you become more valuable in the marketplace. When you do things low in your hierarchy of values, you become less valuable. So anytime you're doing the ABCs, you tend to rise up into the alpha position. If you're doing the XYZs, you tend to move down the ladder.

ACTION STEP: If you are inspired to identify your unique set of highest values, you can visit my website,, where you'll find the Value Determination Process. This questionnaire is confidential and free of charge. Alternatively, you can explore this process in-depth at my next two-day online Breakthrough Experience program, where I can help you gain clarity on your unique hierarchy of values, learn how to prioritize your life, delegate low-priority tasks, and empower all seven areas of your life.

It is also fruitful and wise to take the time to map out how you would love to live your life so you can live by design instead of duty. It can also be a game changer if you find yourself subordinating to others who try to project their values onto you and expect you to live in them.

Attempting to align with someone else’s values instead of your own can likely disempower you. I often speak of two disempowering mechanisms it is wise to breakthrough and transcend: placing people on pedestals and trying to adopt their values, or looking down on others and trying to get them to live according to your values. Both approaches are futile, frustrating and disempowering.

It is wiser to embrace the concept of reflective awareness, realizing that whatever you admire in others exists equally within you. This tends to empower your life. By not placing people on pedestals or in pits but instead in your heart, you are more likely to generate empowerment and attraction.

People want to be loved for who they are.

By being authentic, and living congruently with your highest values, that’s when you tend to have the most power. By prioritizing your life and engaging your executive function, you become an executive in your life. People are naturally drawn to executive functioning individual, as they tend to exude stability and strength.

Many people ask me for help in finding their soulmate.

Over and above what I have already mentioned, I suggest that you

  • Make a list of everything you desire in a partner and its opposite. Identify who currently fulfills these aspects in your life, so you perceive you are not lacking them. Recognize that your hierarchy of values shapes the form of your current relationships. While you may be getting all of what you want, it might be dispersed among different people.
  • Address and clear past relationship wounds as they can cause you to unconsciously avoid certain behaviors that are linked to what you want. It is wise to embrace the pain and pleasure associated with all facets of an individual. Remember, people want to be loved for who they are, and not who you may perceive or desire them to be.

This is one of the reasons why I encourage people to attend the Breakthrough Experience. It's a transformative two days where I guide you to gain clarity on your values, learn how to effectively prioritize and organize your life, delegate lower-priority tasks for maximum empowerment, boost your self-worth, and establish meaningful links across all seven areas of your life, all anchored to your highest value. This process is instrumental in dissolving emotional baggage tied to your search and anti-search images, dispelling feelings of emptiness, and enhancing intimacy and love and magnetism.

There, you'll also explore the Demartini Method, a powerful tool for leveling the playing field, clearing emotional baggage, and empowering all seven areas of your life.

To sum up:

  • The journey to finding a partner is deeply intertwined with your individual empowerment in the seven areas of life. These areas include spiritual, mental, vocational, financial, familial, social, and physical empowerment, all contributing to our overall attractiveness.
  • When you seek a partner, you tend to naturally gravitate towards those who embody these seven powers to varying degrees.
  • People tend to be drawn to those who are themselves empowered. To enhance your desirability in the dating realm, it is wise invest in your empowerment in all seven areas of your life. Empowering yourself in these areas significantly enhances your potential for a lasting, fulfilling relationship.
  • A wise starting point in empowering your life is identifying your true highest values. You can do so by using the FREE online Demartini Value Determination Process available on my website.
  • Over my five decades of research, writing, and teaching, I've dedicated myself to understanding and teaching people such as yourself how to empower every facet of life. My goal is to help you activate the powers within you, making each aspect of your life magnetic and attractive.
  • To fast-track your journey towards empowerment, consider joining me at my next 2-day online Breakthrough Experience seminar program. Here, you'll gain clarity on your values, learn to prioritize your life, delegate lower-priority tasks, and create meaningful connections between these seven areas - all anchored to your highest value. Additionally, you'll explore the Demartini Method, a powerful tool for leveling the playing field, clearing emotional baggage, and empowering every aspect of your life.


Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?

Step #1: Book Your FREE Discovery Call

If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team so we can take you through your mini power assessment session. 

You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.  

Click HERE to book your FREE Discovery Call


Step #2: Book Your TICKET for Dr Demartini's Breakthrough Experience

If you’re ready to go inwards and do the work that will clear your blockages, clarify your vision and balance your mind, then you’ve found the perfect place to start with Dr Demartini at the Breakthrough Experience.

In 2 days you’ll learn how to solve any issue you are facing, transform any emotion and reset the course of your life for greater achievement and fulfillment.

You’ll unlock your true potential and lay the groundwork to empower all 7 areas of your life.

Get ready to take your life to a whole new level of meaning and purpose.

Today is the day you step into your power and value yourself by investing in your inspired life when you sign up for Dr Demartini’s signature seminar the Breakthrough Experience:

Click HERE to book your TICKET on the Breakthrough Experience