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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 1 month ago
In every session of my signature 2-day program, the Breakthrough Experience, it's almost a given that attendees will share stories from their childhood - stories of feeling unwanted, or narratives of perceived neglect or abuse from parents who they label as being either too absent, too demanding, too aggressive, or too overbearing.
In other words, subjectively biased descriptions and reasons why these individuals perceived that they had an imperfect childhood, a childhood that they wish they could change.
You may imagine their surprise when I help them to process their perceptions and peel back the layers to reveal the HIDDEN PERFECTION within their so-called imperfect childhoods.
It's a transformation I witness almost every week during the Breakthrough Experience; attendees arrive with their subjectively biased stories and labels, but by working through a series of questions extracted from the Demartini Method, I’m able to help them become conscious of things they haven’t previously been aware of, many of them experience tears of gratitude when they find the hidden order, gifts and opportunities their childhood provided.
Let’s take a step back and look at the powerful role your perceptions play in your life.
Everything you perceive in your life is run through your biased subjective filter.
For instance, if you have an expectation that people should always be nice and never mean, any deviation might feel like a personal affront or some kind of abuse.
If you believe that people should always listen to you and your opinion, being overlooked or not given an opportunity to speak might feel as if you are being ignored or overlooked.
On the other hand, should you have an expectation that people are sometimes nice and sometimes mean, and that they will sometimes listen to you and sometimes not, depending upon how well they communicate in your higher values, your resulting perceptions are likely to be quite different.
Your expectation has a lot to do with what you expect and project onto your reality, and shape your experiences far more than you might initially realize.
Whatever happens in your life can be perceived as being IN THE WAY where you are a victim of your history, or ON THE WAY where you are a master of your destiny. Another way of looking at it, is that your perceptions determine whether past experiences will become baggage or fuel in your life going forward.
For decades, I've helped people shift their perceptions, and time and again, I've seen that there's no childhood memory so daunting that it can't be transformed into an opportunity to be grateful.
One example that comes to mind is a young man who spoke to me in some detail about how he was abandoned and unwanted, moving from one foster home to another, always feeling out of place. He had been to a number of therapists and specialists over the years to help him deal with the “fact” that he was an unwanted child. This was the story he was running in his mind and a perception that shaped his decisions and actions in his life.
He was quite surprised when I asked him to join me in doing a little research online as to the names of celebrities and well-known highly accomplished people who too had started out as orphans or in foster care.
After a few minutes, we identified Sir Isaac Newton whose father had died when he was born and whose mother left him in the care of someone else so she could pursue a new love interest.
We kept going, and discovered hundreds of names of people with a similar start in life to him, who then went on to become some of the most impactful people who had made a difference in the world.
The more names he discovered, the more I could see a new question beginning to dawn on him: If he shared a common history with some of the most impactful individuals in history, could what he perceived as being his greatest setback actually be his most significant gift?
The ability to take whatever happens to us and change our perspective of it, is what William James, the father of modern psychology, regarded as the most significant discovery of his time.
This principle lies at the heart of the Breakthrough Experience - helping people take whatever they have perceived as being terrible and discovering how it served them.
In many cases, it’s the first time they’ve ever been asked that question: “How has this event served you?” It may take a while for them to shift from running a story in which they are the victim, but in the majority of cases, in discovering upsides to their perceived downsides, they unleash untapped creativity, newfound skills, and a renewed sense of purpose.
The journey from seeing events as stumbling blocks to viewing them as stepping stones is a journey of asking the right questions. As I often say, the quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask.
Finding the balance in your life and in the story you tell yourself, recognizing the hidden order in what may appear to be chaotic, can be a liberating and life-transforming process. It's about seeing the full spectrum of your experiences, understanding that every perceived imperfection is part of a larger, more magnificent hidden order.
When you take the time to explore the other side of your stories, you free yourself from the metaphoric chains of past grievances, opening up a world where everything that happens to you holds the potential to catalyze your growth and elevate your journey.
Another example that comes to mind is a wonderful woman from Florida, who, in her perception, experienced significant amounts of abandonment and rejection in her childhood. She carried the belief that her mother's absence had deprived her of essential nurturing, guidance, and care – a narrative had led her to feel unworthy and forsaken.
During our time together, I asked her to outline, in detail, the qualities she believed were missing due to her mother's absence. She immediately listed approximately a dozen qualities that she had longed for growing up – mostly centering around nurturing, care, and guidance.
I then asked her to identify the individuals in her life who had stepped in to fill those perceived voids.
To her surprise, she recognized that her aunt, grandmother, a close friend's mother, and a particular teacher of hers had each contributed those very traits she perceived to be missing in her life. In other words, what she believed to be absent was, instead, present in a beautifully diversified form, provided not by one individual but by many.
Nothing was missing and she saw that.
I explained to her that missing information is called “disorder”, and when you uncover the missing information, you uncover the missing or hidden order.
I then asked her another question that I could see stopped her in her tracks. I asked her what would have been the DOWNSIDE if her mother had been present in her life and had provided her with all the traits and qualities she had longed for. After a long pause and quite a few tears, she explained that her mom had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and had left her in a tub of boiling hot water as a child. After being scalded and almost drowning, her mother had handed her to her mother’s sister, her aunt, who had raised her with so much love and care. If she had, indeed, been raised by her mother, her childhood would likely not have been a bed of roses.
Her anger and resentment immediately dissolved as she felt grateful to a mother who had loved her enough to give her a more safe and stable upbringing than she perceived she was able to provide.
The shift in her was extraordinary, as she would later tell me, particularly as it helped her dissolve the illusions that had previously led her to undervalue herself in relationships and life choices.
It’s not what happens to you that affects your life, but instead your perceptions, decisions and actions.
In my workshops and personal consultations, I've had the privilege of guiding tens of thousands of individuals through profound transformations, helping them turn their narratives of victimhood into stories of victory. This process, integral to the Breakthrough Experience, helps them see that life's challenges are not obstacles but instead pathways to growth.
In my experience, many people cling to their stories of hardship to gain sympathy or as an excuse for playing small, not realizing these narratives serve as barriers to realizing their full potential. It’s a powerful moment when they realize that it’s in transcending these stories that they discover their true capacity to live an extraordinary life and make a meaningful impact in the world.
The most fulfilling moments, as I've observed, come from contributing to others in a way that resonates deeply with both parties, creating a sustainable, reciprocal exchange.
In Los Angeles, I encountered a man who was notably withdrawn and reluctant to engage with others. Despite his reservations, he found himself at my Breakthrough Experience program, encouraged by a friend's suggestion. Initially, he was content to observe rather than participate, maintaining a quiet presence on the sidelines. Recognizing an opportunity for transformative dialogue, I approached him to delve into the roots of his hesitancy, particularly focusing on whom he harbored significant resentment towards.
Our program emphasizes the profound exercise of identifying deep-seated resentments and guiding individuals through a process where they balance the mathematical equations of their perceptions until they experience a profound state of gratitude for those experiences.
This gentleman shared a subjectively biased narrative of his childhood, marked by what he reported as extreme violence from his father, who he said forced him into assuming the household responsibilities following his mother's death. From the age of four, he faced what he perceived as extreme beatings for any shortcomings in fulfilling these duties.
I encouraged him to explore the unlikely ways in which these moments in his childhood might have served his personal development.
Initially resistant, he struggled to see any value in his perceived suffering, labeling his father with terms that echoed his pain and anger. However, through persistent exploration, we sought to uncover a different perspective on his past.
The breakthrough moment came when he mentioned his profession as an animator for Disney, responsible for creating enchanting worlds for children's films. We discovered that he used to escape under his bed during the so-called traumatic times and that that was the source of his genesis and creative talent. The connection between his survival mechanism and his current accomplishments as an animator offered him a new lens through which to view his father's impact on his life.
This insight led to a profound reevaluation of his relationship with his father, recognizing the unintended gift of creativity borne from adversity. Additionally, we explored the dynamics of protection and challenge in his life, identifying a neighbor who provided him with care and support in contrast to what he perceived as his father's harsh discipline. This duality, I explained, is essential for growth, teaching him independence and resilience.
The man's journey from seeing his father as a monster to acknowledging him as a catalyst for his most cherished abilities exemplifies the transformative power of perspective. It illustrates that within every challenge lies an opportunity for growth, creativity, and ultimately, a deeper understanding and appreciation of life's complex tapestry. By embracing this mindset, you are more likely to transcend your past, redefine your narratives, and unlock your potential to leave a lasting impact on the world.
Now, am I saying that these behaviors are good or bad? No. I'm just saying they're events.
In many cases, people find themselves trapped within moral boxes or dichotomies, labeling certain actions as either “good” or “bad”. This black-and-white thinking can sometimes create a fear of losing what is perceived to be “good” and a fear of gaining what is deemed “bad”, often leading to them living in constant survival mode.
It’s wiser to recognize Instead that there are two sides to every event in life and that everything can be perceived to be meaningful and purposeful. If it didn't have a place in the evolution of human beings, it would most likely have become extinct.
In closing, I believe that the key to transcending your past and not being a prisoner of your history is to strive for mental equilibrium. By asking insightful questions that reveal both sides of any situation, you empower yourself to shift from being a victim of your history to an architect of your future.
If you feel trapped in the narrative of an imperfect childhood, I invite you to join me at the Breakthrough Experience where I’ll help you uncover the hidden perfection of your own childhood. Through a series of quality questions extracted from the Demartini Method, I’ll help you shift your perceptions from perceiving that your childhood was IN the way to instead seeing it as being ON the way.
To Sum Up
- Unveiling Hidden Perfection: Many people tell me about their perceived challenging or imperfect childhood. Through quality questions and honest introspection, you can discover the hidden order and gifts within your past, which will lead you to tears of gratitude.
- The Power of Perception: Your life is filtered through your own perceptions. Shifting expectations from binary to a balanced, more nuanced understanding of human behavior can transform how you perceive events and interactions.
- Victim to Victor: Whether events in your life act as obstacles or opportunities is largely a matter of perspective. It is wise to shift from seeing life's challenges as in the way, to viewing them as on the way to your chosen destiny.
- Transformative Questions: The quality of your life is greatly influenced by the quality of the questions you ask yourself. Finding balance and uncovering the hidden order in perceived chaos can lead to significant personal growth and liberation.
- Childhood Narratives Revisited: No childhood memory is too daunting that it cannot be transformed into a moment of gratitude. By reframing and balancing your perceptions of your past experiences, you can increase your gratitude and appreciation for your life.
- Perception Shapes Reality: It's not the events themselves but your perception of them that shapes your life. Recognizing that every challenge has a hidden opportunity can transform your growth and empower your self-mastery.
- Embracing Dualities: Understanding that everything in life can be perceived as serving a purpose and has two sides that can free you from the trap of black-and-white moral judgments, allowing for a more balanced and enriched life experience.
- Mastering Your Destiny: By equilibrating your mind and seeking to understand both sides of any situation, you can transition from being a victim of your history to a master of your destiny.
- Invitation to Transformation: The Breakthrough Experience offers a space to shift your perceptions from viewing an imperfect childhood as an obstacle to recognizing it as a powerful part of your unique path, turning it into a source of strength and inspiration.
By joining my next 2-day Breakthrough Experience program, you're not just revisiting your past; you're also reshaping your narrative and stepping into a future where your childhood, in all its complexity, is perceived as a powerful gift that has shaped who you are and who you have the potential to become.
Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?
If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team so we can take you through your mini power assessment session.
You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.
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