DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 5 months ago
I believe that you have the potential to expand and empower all seven areas of your life. In other words: your spiritual quest; mind development quest, which is contributing with your ingenious mind; business quest; financial quest; relationship family quest; social leadership and influence quest; physical wealth; and physical health and wellbeing quest
You can empower each of these seven areas. Any area of life that you don't empower, other individuals will tend to overpower you in.
I define love as the synthesis and synchronicity of all possible complementary opposites.
This is something that you may want to think about and mentally chew on because most individuals tend to think of love as a romantic infatuation as opposed to the synthesis and synchronicity of all possible complementary opposites.
Let me elaborate so that I can put it into context for you.
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When you meet someone and INFATUATE with them, you're conscious of their upsides but you are blind, ignoring and unconscious of some of their downsides. As such, you tend to have an impulse to seek them out.
You’ll also likely experience a surge of dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and enkephalin, and feel deeply attracted to them.
Like many individuals, you may perceive that you’re in love.
However, it’s more likely that you’re infatuated instead of in love.
The difference is that when you’re infatuated, you’re blind to something and not seeing the whole. That is not love. This is your amygdala’s impulse response.
Some individuals have even said, ignorantly in my opinion, that love is blind. I don't believe that love is blind. I think that infatuation is blind, and often confused with love.
You may also have times when you RESENT someone and likely have a corresponding instinct to avoid them and withdraw from them. This is likely because you’re conscious of their downsides and unconscious of their upsides.
The more infatuated you are with them, the more likely you are to set up a fantasy about who they're going to be, the more they don't live up to that fantasy, and the more you resent them because you're comparing them to a fantasy, and they can't win.
So, you were subjectively biased when you were infatuated with them and subjectively biased when you resented them for not living up to the fantasy, which is a type of bipolar response.
Many individuals begin a relationship that way before everything settles when they realize that there are elements in the other individual that they like and others that they dislike.
I am certain that when you see both sides, you end up appreciating and seeing how both sides of that individual serve you.
The things that you resent also contribute to your life
Every event, whether those you perceive as supporting or challenging you, serve you and your life.
Sometimes they serve to make you grow, mature and tackle challenges that help you become more authentic. You need both support and challenge in order to maximally grow.
Think of it this way. When you SEEK something, the amygdala of your brain perceives it as being prey or food. When you AVOID something, your amygdala perceives it as being a predator or something that can eat you.
The desire for food and the fear of loss of that, which is starvation; and the desire to avoid the predator and the fear of being eaten; are the basic driving impulses and instincts that result in you being infatuated (with prey) or resentful (of the predator).
These are primitive survival mentalities that are confused with love and hate.
You tend to hear the words love and hate more often than what I believe are more accurate descriptions: infatuate and resent or admire and despise.
True love is the synthesis and synchronicity of both of those. You need both to grow.
If you have prey without a predator, you'd get fat and gluttonous, and wouldn't be fit.
You would also likely attract a predator to eat you because you’d be an easier target and contain more calories per bite. If you have a predator without prey, you’d end up emaciated and starving, and wouldn’t be fit. You would also be unlikely to have any energy.
It is for this reason that you need both in balance because maximum growth and development occur at the border of support and challenge; the things you like and dislike.
If I told you that someone you knew was always nice and never mean, your intuition would likely point out some of their downsides.
If I was to say that they were always cruel and never kind, your intuition would likely point out some of their upsides.
These exaggerated labels are what you often hear individuals express when they’re infatuated – that someone is “perfect” and “always positive”. It often indicates that they’re subjectively biased and not seeing what's there.
The same is likely true in your own life: you’re not a nice individual all the time nor are you a mean individual all the time. Instead, you are an individual with a unique set of values. If someone supports your values, you can be nice. If they challenge your values, you can be mean. You’re both.
To truly love someone is to embrace both sides of their nature. I define this as a synthesis and synchronicity of those pairs of opposites.
You may see this play out in your career, as another example. If you have goals that are fantasies that are skewed to one side and are blind to the downsides, you’ll tend to get smacked by reality because you haven't mitigated any risks.
However, if you embrace and pursue a true objective that has both sides (objectivity means balanced and neutral vs a fantasy which is expecting one-sidedness) you’re more likely to get to do what you love - due to it being more probable and obtainable.
When you do something you love, you are more willing to embrace the pleasures and pains in the pursuit of it.
However, when you do something you're infatuated with, you’ll tend to want to avoid the pain and all the things you dislike.
If you don’t pursue challenges that inspire you, you’ll likely keep attracting challenges that don't because you’re focused on pursuing the support side without the challenge side.
Many individuals want a support group, but also likely need a challenge group to grow.
Challenges can make you more precociously independent, and support can make you more juvenilely dependent. You need both to grow.
Wisdom is seeing both sides simultaneously
Wilhelm Wundt, the father of modern psychology, said that there is simultaneous contrast and sequential contrast.
When you see a positive without a negative, and then later see a negative without a positive, that's a sequential contrast.
My work shows that when you see simultaneous contrast, both at the same time, you tend to be poised, present, centered and unreactive.
In other words, instead of awakening and operating out of your subcortical amygdala and your hindbrain, you awaken the higher areas of your brain, your executive center of your forebrain where you have your greatest levels of self-governance and self-mastery.
When you simultaneously embrace both sides of life and you are poised and present, you are less likely to react to the external world. Instead, you will tend to act upon what inspires you from within.
As I said in the movie, The Secret, “When the voice and the vision on the inside are louder than all the opinions on the outside, you begin to master your life.” This transpires when you're in a state of equilibrium.
This methodology includes a set of questions aimed at helping you become fully conscious of any unconscious information so that you can see both sides equally and become balanced and centered as a result.
One of the questions I ask is: Go to a moment where and when you perceive this individual displaying or demonstrating the action or inaction that you resent.
- Where are you and when did this take place?
- What specifically did you perceive this individual do or not do?
- What was the context of what they were doing?
- Who were they doing it to?
- Who perceived it?
This next question may surprise you:
- At that exact moment, who was doing the OPPOSITE?
You may be surprised to become aware of some - one or many, male or female, close or distant, real or imagined who played the opposite role at the exact moment that this behavior you resent took place.
In other words, there was an opposite going on at the same time, a simultaneous contrast.
For example, while there was a challenger, there may have been a supporter. While someone was tearing you down, there may have been someone lifting you. While someone was lying to you, there may have been someone telling you the truth. While someone was taking from you, there may have been someone being generous towards you.
You may only have seen the one side that you resented – the challenge, and not been conscious of the other side that you infatuated with – the support.
The more you are infatuated with one side, the more likely you are to resent the other.
If you look in the brain, every time you infatuate with someone’s behavior, you will resent its opposite.
Every time you resent a trait in somebody, you will infatuate with the opposite trait.
The more you polarize a trait, the more it controls you because anything you infatuate with or resent runs your life.
As such, instead of being governed from within, you're likely to be run from without.
- Individuals who are run from without tend to be disempowered and perceive that they are being overruled by the world around them.
- Individuals who are run from within are more likely to govern the world around them.
If you're not governing yourself from within, you’ll likely be governed from without.
In the Breakthrough Experience, using the Demartini Method, I show you how to become aware of the other side, the opposite information you’re likely not seeing or unconscious of. In other words, when you infatuate or resent, it is wise to look for the opposite that is simultaneously taking place.
In the majority of cases, people report back that they have never really thought about it that way. They assumed their perception of reality was the whole picture.
Once they became conscious of the corresponding upsides or downsides and could see both sides simultaneously, they immediately became centered, poised, present, and mindful. Not to mention empowered.
Becoming aware of these pairs of opposites frees you to become your most authentic self.
If you infatuate with someone, you’ll likely minimize yourself to them, because you're too humble to admit what you see in them is inside you. When you resent someone, you’ll likely exaggerate yourself with pride because you’re too proud to admit what you see in them is inside you.
When you minimize or exaggerate yourself, you're not being yourself. When you're not being yourself and you are judging yourself and other individuals, you're not going to perceive that you’re empowered because they're running you and your facades are running you, instead of you running you.
It’s for this reason that I teach the Demartini Method at the Breakthrough Experience, so you can learn to transform these subconsciously stored emotional sequential contrasts, and instead see the simultaneous contrasts and be liberated by owning what you see in them and balancing the equation.
When you can recognize that there are simultaneously two sides and you have the wisdom of both sides, you may experience tears of gratitude as your heart feels like it opens, and you are suddenly fully present and filled with love. That love is the synchronicity, simultaneity, and complementation of opposites.
At that moment, you're highly unlikely to be infatuated or resentful or filled with noise in your brain that occupies space and time in your mind. Instead, you’ll tend to be poised and filled with creativity, certainty, confidence, and inspiration.
The greatest growth factor in all seven areas of your life
The Growth Factor in Business
In business, when you're more objective instead of infatuated, resentful, narcissistically proud or shamed or minimizing yourself altruistically, you’re most likely to have the most sustainable fair exchange. Your business flourishes when you're in that state and can see and more effectively manage or govern pairs of opposites.
I’ve heard it said that leaders of businesses and other organizations are most empowered when they can see and manage paradoxes and the complementation of opposites. In other words, when they don’t get infatuated with the over worker and resent the under worker, but know how to manage both of them to bring them to maximum performance.
If you puff yourself up, look down on or resent individuals, you’re unlikely to listen to the needs of your customers or staff. As such, you may have staff and customers that won't want to work in or buy from your business.
If you altruistically minimize yourself and put these same individuals on pedestals, you’ll tend to have anarchy in the business and sacrifice your profits.
Having objectivity and seeing both sides simultaneously, allows you to be poised and present to allow for maximum business development.
The Growth Factor in Finance
Warren Buffet says until you can manage your emotions, don't expect to manage money.
When it comes to finances, individuals who don't have foresight and strategies arising from the executive function of their brains, tend to impulsively spend money looking for a quick fix.
In doing so, they tend to have more month at the end of their money than money at the end of their month. Being balanced and centered and awakening your executive function so you can be objective and strategic, will play a large role in helping you build wealth and manage your money.
The Growth Factor in Relationships
In relationships, if you're infatuated with someone, you’ll likely sacrifice for them until you eventually resent them. If you resent them, you’ll likely sacrifice them until they resent you for doing so. However, if you have equilibrium and you can simultaneously see both sides and can appreciate and love them for both sides you can maintain the relationship through fair exchange.
You are also positioned to see that both sides of them serve you – the very thing that challenges you also makes you grow, expand and become resilient and creative. As such, you’re less likely to experience volatile swings and drama in your relationships.
The Growth Factor in Leadership
When it comes to leadership, don't expect to lead if you can't manage your own emotions. The executive center is also called the governing center and the gratitude center in the brain. When you can see both sides and awaken your executive center, you also wake up your leadership capacities, inspired vision, and spontaneous action. You are also far less likely to need motivation from the outside, which is a sign of being a follower instead of a leader. So, love is the growth factor when it comes to society's leadership roles.
The Growth Factor Physically
Physiologically, when you're in a state of love, your autonomic nervous system is poised and balanced. Your heart rate variability is expanded, the cytokines from the pro and the anti-inflammatory hormones come into balance, and your microbiome comes into balance.
The Growth Factor Mentally
Psychologically, love is the great neutralizer of brain noise.
When you live congruently with your highest values and live by priority, you wake up your executive function and objectivity because you move into the forebrain where it has foresight, wisdom, mastery, self-governance and spontaneously inspired action.
As such, you allow yourself to have the most powerful mind capacity.
The Growth Factor Spiritually
Carl Jung described how, when you bring the conscious and unconscious together, and you become fully conscious, you have acausal synchronicity.
This means that you no longer blame something external for causing you pain or pleasure but are instead pursuing a path of inspiration - doing what you love and loving what you do.
The synchronicity and synthesis of pairs of opposites in the mind free you to shed the baggage of your subconscious mind, which is where all the noise is stored and instead enter a mindfulness state where you have the freedom to act and not react.
To sum up:
- If you're not governing yourself from within, you’ll likely be governed from without.
- All seven areas of life can be empowered through love.
- Love is a synthesis and synchronous of opposites. You need both to grow.
- Becoming aware of these pairs of opposites frees you to become your most authentic self.
- It’s for this reason that I teach the Breakthrough Experience, and Demartini Method, to show you how to bring any subconsciously stored misperceptions back into balance. In doing so, you will be able to have appreciation and love for whatever happened in your life.
- Ultimately, everything in your life is guiding you to something profound and magnificent in your life that's unique to you, according to your highest values.
- The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask. It is wise to ask questions, such as the Demartini Method, that allow you to see both sides of every event so you can experience the greatest growth factor in all 7 areas of life.
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