Trying To Be "The Perfect Mother" Is A Fantasy

DR JOHN DEMARTINI   -   Updated 2 years ago

Comparing yourself to social ideals causes the misperception that you are making mistakes while raising your children...


DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 2 years ago

Mothers, today, are bombarded with books and media describing an image of the perfect mother. They promote the ‘right' thing to be, do and say.

Many mothers compare themselves to these social ideals and then judge themselves accordingly. This causes the perception that they are making mistakes while raising their children.

"In truth, no matter what you do, you cannot make a mistake."

When you stop to look at the truth of your every action, you will see that the things that you thought might have been hurtful or inadequate, in fact, served your children.

The perfect mother trap

Mothers tend to criticize themselves in a variety of ways and also try to be the perfect mother. Guilt creeps in when work or socializing disallows them from spending enough time with their children. They worry about how they discipline. Schools, family and friends' expectations add to the already existing pressure. Mothers constantly compare themselves to other perceived perfect mothers, to try and be the perfect mother.

Stop and ask yourself how each of your actions is assisting your children? 

You will soon realize that no matter what you do or don't do - you are playing a vital role in helping them grow and develop.

Maximum growth occurs at the border of support and challenge

Everyone needs a balance of support and challenge to help them maximally grow.

So instead of perceiving your children as being neglected while you work, see how your absence assists them to learn independence, grow their maturity and self-esteem.

Instead of perceiving your discipline as detrimental, recognize the benefits of teaching them how to evaluate their actions and adapt their behaviors to align with other peoples' values.  This will enable them to interact more effectively and be more successful in the world.

Nothing is ever missing

Sometimes mothers struggle to juggle work life and motherhood at the same time. When they are at work they feel guilty for leaving the kids, and when they are with the kids they feel ashamed for not building and focusing on a career.

Instead of feeling guilty for leaving your kids to go to work, it is wiser to ask yourself who is there for your kids to take on the mothering role. It might be the nanny, or a friend, or even the child's doll taking on that role.

Before feeling guilty, stop and teach your kids to understand that nothing is ever missing, it just changes form. Help your kids to identify which traits they perceive as missing when you are not there. Then help them to see who fulfill these traits when you are not around.

You can even help them further to see what the benefits are to the form it is in and what the drawbacks are to the form they fantasize or hope it would be in.

This helps your child to change their perception and to be adaptable and more resilient.

It is always there. It might not be in the form you think it should be, imagine or wish it to be, but it is there!

Just know you are perfect as you are.

Celebrate being a mother and take the time to be grateful for your wisdom, love and your intention to nurture and expand your children's' potential.

If you'd love to learn more about loving yourself and others as they are consider Dr Demartini's online learning program: Infinite Wisdom of Love.


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