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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 1 year ago
One thing I've learned from my 50 years of research is that human beings live moment by moment based on a set of priorities and hierarchy of values that are unique to them, much like fingerprints.
Every human being lives by a set of priorities, a set of values, things that are most important to least important to them.
Whatever's highest on your particular set of values - the very highest value that's most important, most meaningful, most inspiring, and most fulfilling to you - your ontological identity revolves around that, and that is who you’ll say you are.
In other words, if your highest value is raising beautiful children, you'll call yourself a mother. If your highest value is running businesses, you may call yourself an entrepreneur.
In my case, my highest value is teaching so I call myself a teacher.
Whatever is highest on your list of values, what is most important, most meaningful, most fulfilling, most inspiring, and the value that you are spontaneously inspired from within to fulfill, this is the path of your unique and most meaningful purpose.
So, how does this apply to relationships?
In a relationship, you have two individuals, each with their OWN set of highest values. If one or both individuals do not communicate with the other in terms of each other’s highest values, the relationship may start to break down.
You can think of it like a customer relationship. When you have a customer, they have specific needs and values, and if you provide a product, service, or idea that aligns with their values, they will tend to be more engaged and willing to transact in a fair exchange with you.
The same principle applies to all relationships - customers, employees, spouses, children, friends and acquaintances.
Relationships are, in a sense, a consumer game, where people seek to fairly receive something in return for what they give.
For example, in my signature program, the Breakthrough Experience, I often ask what people are looking for in their relationships. I’ve found that both men and women are looking for similar qualities in a relationship.
These often include attractiveness, intelligence, ambition, resources, affection, social skills, and having an inspired mission in life that they’re actively pursuing.
The majority of people want to fulfill all seven areas of their life to the maximum and look for a partner who can help them achieve that too.
In a relationship, both partners are trying to fulfill what is most important to them in all seven areas of their lives, and tend to want the greatest partner possible.
In other words, they look to surround themselves with people who give them more advantages than disadvantages in each moment.
So, if you are not providing what your partner needs in any area of their life, they may look for it elsewhere.
I often say that anything that you are not willing to offer to or provide for your partner, be willing to delegate to someone else, as someone else may provide it.
Disagreements are not a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
People want to be loved and appreciated for who they are, and who they are is shaped by their highest values. There is no universal right or wrong in what people value, as it varies from individual to individual.
Your values are different, or may overlap in some areas with others. You will encounter a wide spectrum of people with different value systems in the world, and expecting others to be exactly like you is unrealistic and if you keep trying to make people conform to your unique values, it can lead to conflict.
A healthy relationship involves both support and challenge. The ancient Greeks said that infatuation occurs when you see more similarities than differences, resentment occurs when you see more differences than similarities, and love is achieved when there is a balance of similarities and differences.
No two people have the exact same set of values, and so disagreements are inevitable.
Agreeing and disagreeing, supporting and challenging, are all part of life.
Having the fantasy of getting support without challenges, positivity without negativity, kindness without cruelty, or expecting others to solely live according to your values without considering their own is a delusion will likely lead to disappointment.
It is wiser to communicate what you value most in terms of what they value most – not making yours or theirs right or wrong, and instead appreciating how their values serve you and how your values serve them – for a greater chance of having a sustainable relationship.
If you're inspired in learning more about how to develop a sustainable long-term relationship, here are THREE PRACTICAL STEPS you can take to assist you in that journey.
It’s not a one-size-fits-all approach and I’m not advocating that all relationships have to be a certain way. That being said, if you are inspired to strengthen your relationships, you will probably find these steps helpful.
Step 1: Invest time in identifying your own unique set of highest values without judging your values as good or bad, right or wrong, or any other subjective measures.
You can do this by working through the FREE online Demartini Value Determination process that is available on my website and which takes about 30 minutes of your time.
It is wise to objectively identify what they are, without comparing them to others or without trying to impose what you perceive those values “should”, “must”, “ought to”, or “need to” be.
This is the first step towards understanding yourself, as you deserve to be loved for who you truly are.
The next aspect of this first step is to encourage or inspire those in your close relationships, such as your spouse, children, colleagues, and extended family, to do the same.
Let them know that you value a strong relationship with them and that you’re sharing a tool that can help both parties respect each other and engage in dialogue instead of alternating monologues.
You may be amazed to discover that what your life already actually demonstrates reveals what is most important to you, what you’re committed to, what your purpose is, what your identity is, and what you’re most skilled at.
You may also be amazed at what you discover in your close relationships; needs or objectives you may not have noticed before as being truly most important to them.
By understanding each other's values, you can communicate more effectively and show respect for each other's perspectives.
Step 2: Identify how specifically the top three highest values of the other individual are helping you fulfill your top three highest values, and how your top three highest values are helping them fulfill their top three highest values.
This is known as “linking your values”.
In other words, whatever their identity revolves around, how is it helping you fulfill what your identity revolves around?
Keep asking these questions until you have enough answers, even if it takes a hundred answers.
By linking the values between the two parties, you will see how their dedication to their values is helping you fulfill your own goals, and vice versa. This will lead to greater respect, love, and appreciation for each other, which is the foundation of a more fulfilling and meaningful relationship.
As mentioned earlier, it is wise not to attempt to impose your own values on others or trying to live only in accordance with their values, as this is futile and often leads to frustration and aggression in communication. It is wiser to learn to see the downsides of your infatuations and the upsides of things you resent in others, in order to bring yourself into a more adaptable and balanced state.
This is something I teach in my 2-day Breakthrough Experience program: how to determine your values, and apply them to your relationships. The impact of this approach on your relationships alone can be enormous.
Step 3: Use the Demartini Method to develop reflective awareness so you can see the hidden order in the apparent chaos in the dynamics of any relationship.
In the Breakthrough Experience program, I teach you the Demartini Method, which helps you identify the judgments you have about others that block communication.
It also helps you level the playing field and see that what you see in others is also inside you, so you can develop reflective awareness.
In other words, when you judge others and can see when you display the same traits or behavior, you tend to think, “Well who am I to judge them when I do the same thing?” and you are more able to respect them.
When you own the traits you admire or despise in others and stop putting them on a pedestal or in the pit, you also level the playing field. Instead of putting people on pedestals or in pits, you can put them in your heart.
True intimacy is when you take ownership of everything you see in others, without denying or being too proud or too humble to admit that you see those same traits within yourself.
Without this level playing field, there is little likelihood of having true intimacy.
If you hold onto infatuations or resentments, or if you don't trust yourself or others, you are also likely to have blocks in your relationships. You can only trust yourself and others to live according to what you and they value most.
When you look down on others, you may think there are better options out there.
When you look up to others, you may become jealous and not want them to have better options.
But when you level the playing field, you tend to have respectful and authentic communication, where you can keep each other in check through banter.
When you're resentful towards others, you may be afraid to say too many nice things because you don't want to mislead them, as you're thinking of other options.
When you're infatuated with others, you may hesitate to say negative things to them because you don't want them to leave you for other options.
Authenticity can only be achieved when there is a level playing field in relationships – a match.
That's why in the Breakthrough Experience, I spend a whole afternoon and evening teaching people how to master communication and intimacy in relationships.
It's like discovering a gold mine when you learn and experience this level of communication and reflection, and you feel gratitude towards others for their reflection in your life.
You can click here to learn more about the Demartini Method and quality questions you can use to bring balance to your perceptions.
These include:
- Looking for downsides or traits you admire in others, and upsides or traits you despise in others, because every trait is neutral until our subjective biases and past wounds project our incomplete perceptions onto others. If any of these behaviors were not valuable in the evolution of human beings, they would have gone extinct. All behaviors existing serve a purpose.
- Identifying how their behavior has served you. They are living according to their hierarchy of values and making decisions based on these prioritized values. If you cannot appreciate their actions from their perspective, you will have challenges truly loving them. Instead, you may try to fix them and hold onto a fantasy of who you think they should be, and punish them when they don't meet your unrealistic expectations. But when you do the exercise of balancing the equation, you can appreciate them for who they truly are, which is what they want. When you appreciate them for who they are, they are more likely to become the individual you love.
By examining and discovering the balance of the benefits and drawbacks of their behaviors, you can crack the fantasies or nightmares you may have projected onto them, and come to a place of appreciation and love for both yourself and the other individual.
To sum up:
I would love to help you to identify your highest values, communicate with others respectfully based on your and their highest values, and apply the Demartini Method to maximize your awareness and potential in relationships.
In doing so, you are more likely to have meaningful dialogues instead of just alternating monologues, and develop intimacy and sustainable fair exchanges in all your relationships
Over the years, I have taken over a hundred thousands of people through the Demartini Method at the Breakthrough Experience seminar, including those who were deeply resented or were infatuated with others, and I have shown them how to dissolve labels and have tears of gratitude for the people in their lives.
If you are inspired to learn to communicate with respect, intimacy, and love, while letting go of past baggage in your relationships, then I guarantee that you can more effectively achieve all of that through applying the Demartini Method.
It's not just a spectator game, but rather an opportunity to actively participate, see, feel, and experience what I am talking about. If you are willing to put in the work, you will reap the rewards.
Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?
If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team so we can take you through your mini power assessment session.
You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.
Book Your TICKET for Dr Demartini's Breakthrough Experience
If you’re ready to go inwards and do the work that will clear your blockages, clarify your vision and balance your mind, then you’ve found the perfect place to start with Dr Demartini at the Breakthrough Experience.
In 2 days you’ll learn how to solve any issue you are facing, transform any emotion and reset the course of your life for greater achievement and fulfillment.
You’ll unlock your true potential and lay the groundwork to empower all 7 areas of your life.
Get ready to take your life to a whole new level of meaning and purpose.
Today is the day you step into your power and value yourself by investing in your inspired life when you sign up for Dr Demartini’s signature seminar the Breakthrough Experience:
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