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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 5 months ago

Like many people today, you are likely confronted in the media with language in psychology that follows a perpetrator-innocent victim model or predator-prey model. It’s something I refer to as zoological psychology. If you recognize signs that you may have a victim mentality instead of a victory mentality, you may be inspired to join me as we explore this topic in more detail.

Let me start with this statement: Therapy is not truly complete until cause equals effect in space-time.

What does that mean?

Let’s say you have an event in your life that you perceive as being traumatic, tragic, terrible, or torturous that you assume causes you to feel hurt or pain. Perhaps you blame the individual that you believe is the “cause” of the event and its effect on you. In doing so, you separate cause and effect - it happened about an hour ago. It happened over there at that location, by this other individual.

As long as the cause is separated from the effect, you're likely playing into the victim model because you perceive that an individual or event that is outside of you is the CAUSE of how you feel inside.

There are three things that you have control over in your life:  your PERCEPTIONS, DECISIONS, and ACTIONS. What happens to you may be part of the dynamic, but it's not the most important part of the dynamic because you have the capacity to change your perceptions of whatever they did or of the event.

For the last 50+ years, I've been studying human behavior. I’ve worked with people who have endured what many may perceive as being unimaginably terrible situations. As part of my work with them, I asked them a new set of quality questions that form part of the Demartini Method, that helped them transform what they perceived to have happened in their lives. The result being that their emotional reaction to it transformed and even dissolved.

What happened still occurred as it did, but their PERCEPTION of it changed.

When these same individuals stacked up the benefits that came out of the situation or event, they reached a point where they were actually grateful it happened. Then, when I asked them, "Do you still want to call it traumatic, tragic, terrible or torturous?" Their response becomes, "No, it's actually a blessing. It catalyzed something great in my life that I didn't see because I chose to focus on the downsides only and not any of its upsides. They had a subjective bias in their interpretation. They were conscious of the negatives and unconscious of the positives. They had a subjective confirmation bias on the negatives and a subjective disconfirmation bias on the positives at that moment."

In other words, what happens to you is an event occurs that's NEUTRAL until you come along with a subjective bias (seeing only one side) and labels it as being terrible or terrific. The truth is that it can be perceived either way, as a positive or negative, depending on the ratios of your perceptions relating to the event.

As John Milton said, you can make a heaven out of hell or a hell out of heaven by your thinking.

I’ve taken people who initially blamed a terrible event as the cause of their suffering and asked them, "What were the upsides? What were the benefits that synchronously emerged when the event occurred? If this had not happened, what would’ve been the drawbacks?" By balancing out their perceptions to such a degree that they now look at the event and realize it’s not traumatic, they no longer perceive it as a terrible event but instead as a catalyst. They discover the terrific hiding in their so-called terrible. They found the mean between the positive and negative aspects and extracted meaning out of their existential experience. Almost immediately, this event that they perceived as being terrible actually had just as much terrific as terrible. It was completely balanced and neutral in their mind.

It is inspiring to take people through the process and see the shift in their thinking – from, “This terrible thing happened TO me.”

“Are my emotions and feelings because of this event or because of my PERCEPTION of that event?" Once they make that connection, they can see that it wasn’t the objective reality of the event that caused their suffering, but instead, their subjective interpretation of it.

In other words, the moment you consciously or unconsciously choose to perceive the negatives without the positives you become the victim. In doing so, you are then the cause of your own effect, even though the event occurred.

As you may imagine, this may lead you down the rabbit hole about morals and ethics – if you acknowledge that your perceptions shape your experiences, it raises questions about accountability and blame.

A Greek philosopher, Epictetus once said that when you start on your personal development journey, you tend to start by blaming people on the outside. As you progress and begin to find the benefits in situations, you tend to realize the part that your perceptions play and begin to blame yourself. But when you balance it, you realize that there's nothing to blame - only something to ultimately be grateful for.

In other words, your perception of the event is what made it terrible or terrific, not the event itself.

When people tell me that they’re a victim of a traumatic event, I tend to reply by saying, “You’re an individual who perceived an event as being traumatic. Let me help you transform your perceptions.”

William James, the co-founder of modern psychology, once stated that the greatest discovery of his generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their perceptions and attitudes of mind. I have worked with thousands of people and shown them how, if they change their perception of an event, they also change their attitude towards it and the decisions and actions that come out of it.

The quality of your life is based on the quality of the questions you ask yourself.

It is wise to ask questions such as these to help bring balance to your perceptions. Questions such as:

• How is this event helping you fulfill what's most meaningful to you?
• How has it served you?
• How has it been a benefit in your life?
• How has it been an advantage for you to have had that experience?
• If I hadn't had that experience, what would've been the drawbacks in your life?

During one of my seminars, a gentleman come to me and spoke to me about how he hadn’t been there when his mother died and how ashamed he had felt because of it.” I asked him, "What was the benefit of you not being there?" He was quite confused, and replied, "How could there be any benefit to not being there for my mom when she died?"

I explained that he was making an assumption that if he HAD been there that the situation would somehow have been “better”. So, I asked again, "What was the benefit of you not showing up?"

After some time, he finally responded. He said, "If I had been there, I would have interfered with the reconciliation between my mom and my sister. My mom actually died in my sister's arms, which is something quite surprising as they hadn't talked to each other in years. So, they finally got to make up before she died, which I know was really important for my mom. If I had been there, it is extremely probable that that wouldn't have happened."

He then saw that what he initially perceived as being a terrible event was actually perfect - there was nothing to fix. So, instead of being ashamed, he was able to feel grateful that he wasn’t there.
 

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I often say that people have amazing resourcefulness. You have the capacity to take a mountain and make it a molehill or a molehill and make it a mountain.

It often comes down to the quality of the questions you ask yourself. If you actually hold yourself accountable to answer the question honestly and avoid mislabeling the situation, you are less likely to become a victim of your history because you are no longer separating cause and effect.

When you think, "They're the cause. I'm the effect. I'm an innocent victim. They're the perpetrator, I'm the prey. They preyed on me, and they now need to be punished," you tend to never really escape the cycle. It’s this mindset that keeps you in anxiety, with subconsciously stored baggage and incomplete awareness.

It’s wiser to take command of your perceptions, realize that you have control over them, and that you have the choice to see things as being positive, negative, or a balance of the two.

Another example that comes to mind was when a gentleman spoke to me about how his father used to beat him and behave quite aggressively before finally kicking him out of the house. I began with the first question I usually ask in situations like these, "What was the benefit to you of your father’s aggression?" He thought for a moment and said, "Well, I suppose it helped make me to become quite independent. I left home, became an entrepreneur, and launched my own business, which is quite productive and profitable.

I asked if he had any brothers and sisters, and he replied that he had a brother. I asked, "Did your father beat the hell out of your brother?" He said, "No, he treated him quite differently. I often wished that he would treat me the same way that he treated my brother. I asked, "Would you trade places with your brother today?" He said, "No, he is still living at home, waiting for Dad to die so he can take over the small farm.”

I then asked, "So did you ever thank your dad for helping you become independent? Because you could be like your brother, juvenilely dependent on your dad and waiting for a handout." He said, "No." He then started crying because, in that moment, he realized that he wasn't a victim of a cause but was instead influenced by his perception and incomplete awareness of what was happening in his life at the time.

I really don't believe in labeling people or events as being either terrific or terrible because I believe that those labels can trap you. Instead, I believe in asking quality questions and being accountable so you can bring your mind into balance by simultaneously seeing both the positives and negatives of any situation.

In doing so, you can use whatever happens to your advantage, becoming a master of your destiny instead of a victim of your history.

Let’s go back to my original point: no therapy is complete until cause equals effect in space and time.

In other words, your PERCEPTIONS are the true ultimate cause of your experiences. Once you realize this, you can free yourself from the feeling that things just happen TO you, together with the fear of them happening again.

Fear comes from assuming there are more drawbacks than benefits in the future. By finding and balancing the benefits, you can live in gratitude instead. Anything you're not grateful for is baggage; anything you are grateful for is fuel.

I challenge you to start asking new questions. Events are neutral until you apply your subjective interpretations and label them as good or bad due to some injected moral hypocrisy or an ideal that you should always be kind without ever being cruel or supportive without challenge.

I believe in the importance of connecting cause and effect back together and achieving an acausal state, as Carl Jung discussed in his concept of synchronicity - the simultaneity of opposites. When you see a negative, seek the positive; when you see a positive, look for the negative. Recognizing both simultaneously can free you from emotional baggage. You are then more resilient and adaptable.

To Sum Up:

There are only three things you have control over in your life: your PERCEPTIONS, DECISIONS and ACTIONS.

What distinguishes you as a human being from other species is your capacity to govern your mind and not let the outside world run you.

No matter what you experience in your life, you can change your perception of it. You can transform something terrible into something terrific or something terrific into something terrible.

In a perfectly balanced mind, you’re unlikely to allow outer circumstances to run you. As such, you’re no longer a victim of your circumstances but rather, you’re a master of your own life and destiny.

YOU control you when you ask quality questions that help you become conscious of unconscious information and balance the associations in your brain so you can become neutral, balanced, poised, present and more in control of your decisions and actions.

It's all about how you ask the questions. If you hold yourself accountable to answer the questions that bring balance to your perceptions, and avoid labeling the situation, you are less likely to become a victim of your history because you are no longer separating cause and effect.

When you think, "They're the cause. I'm the effect. I'm an innocent victim. They're the perpetrator, I'm the prey. They preyed on me, and they now need to be punished," you tend to never really escape the cycle. This mindset keeps you in anxiety, with subconsciously stored baggage and incomplete awareness, living in repetitive fear of it happening again.

It is wise to instead choose to be resourceful and find the other side of the situation - to take command of your perceptions, realize that you have control over what you perceive, and that you have the choice to see things as positive, negative, or a balance of the two. Seeing the balance of the two simultaneously sets you free.

If you have a desire to have control over your life and become the master of destiny instead of victim of your history then join me for my next two-day Breakthrough Experience program so I can show you how to identify your unique hierarchy of values, live by priority, learn to delegate, be more objective, make sure you're not setting up fantasies for yourself, learn how to communicate more effectively, and have grounded objectives that you can meet together with strategies and plans that you can help do it.

I will also teach you how to use the Demartini Method so you know how to dissolve all the emotional baggage that you may be carrying around that's running you instead of you running you. Once that emotional baggage has been dissolved, your therapy will be complete, because cause will equal effect in space and time.

Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?

If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team so we can take you through your mini power assessment session.

You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.

 

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