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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 6 days ago
You can be whole and integrated into one being or you can be splintered or fractured into different personas and wear masks while trying to become more like people you admire or less like people you despise.
The answer lies in something called “integration” – a process that can help you become a more authentic, balanced, fulfilled and whole individual.
BEING vs BECOMING
For thousands of years, philosophers have done a deep dive into a field known as ontology, which essentially explores the concepts of BEING versus BECOMING. In brief, your essential nature relates to 'being,' while your existential journey involves 'becoming.'
Let’s take a step back and explore this a little further.
In all likelihood, you can remember a moment when you looked up to someone – exaggerating them and minimizing yourself as a result. This tendency to exaggerate their positives and minimize your own can lead to a fractionated or fragmented perception of yourself and them.
Alternatively, you might have looked down on someone – minimizing them and exaggerating their negatives, while puffing yourself up and exaggerating the positives in you. This too can lead to a fractionated or fragmented perception of yourself and others.
When you judge someone and compare yourself to them, putting them up on a pedestal or down in a pit, you tend to adopt different personas, masks and facades as a result. These personas and masks are not your true authentic self.
However, when you stop judging others and yourself, and actually love and appreciate their and your whole individual with all their so-called positives and negatives, you can integrate these fractionated parts into a whole.
A question that philosophers have been asking for years is are we BECOMING ourselves, or are we BEING ourselves?
I believe that when you are in judgment, you are likely on a journey of BECOMING as you journey through personal development, adopting various personas, masks, and facades, and sometimes even experiencing imposter syndrome. However, when you integrate these parts and become whole, you are BEING your authentic self. And the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
The question is – how do you do that? How do you take your parts and make them whole? How do you take your differentiated aspects and integrate them?
An efficient and effective way I have found to do that is to ask quality questions. Here’s why this is key.
If you look up to or infatuate with someone and exaggerate them and minimize yourself, you tend to be too humble to admit what you see in them is also inside you.
So, if you ask the question in relation to the individual that you are admiring, “What specific trait, action, or inaction do I perceive this individual displaying, or demonstrating that I admire most?” – this helps you narrow down what specifically it is that you're comparing yourself to. Because anytime you compare yourself to others, you tend to distort your perception of yourself by the law of contrast.
You tend to only judge things in other people that you have inside. I've taken at least 125,000 people through my signature 2-day Breakthrough Experience program and know with certainty that what people admire or judge others, they have in themselves. There is nothing missing – each individual displays or demonstrates all the traits – including those you perceive as being positive and those you perceive as being negative.
When you realize that nothing is missing in you, you begin to have the power to become integrated, However, when you perceive that something is missing in you and are too proud or too humble to admit what you see in them is also in you, you have a fractionated persona and are disintegrated instead of integrated. In this state, you tend to give your power away because you’ve allowed this misperception of them to interfere with your perception of yourself. As such, you tend to be disempowered instead of empowered,
Here's an example of how it works: “Go to a moment where and when you perceive yourself displaying or demonstrating the same specific trait that you admire in them. Identify where you did it, when you did it, to whom you did it, and who perceived you doing it.”
At first, you may be too humble to admit it and try to dismiss it. You might say, "I don't see it. I don't know. I don't do it." Look again. Or you may be too proud to admit it but look again. I've held people accountable in the Breakthrough Experience for almost 36 years, and I have found that every single behavior they judge, they are able to find in themselves in some form, to the same degree they perceive in others.
When you find it, you start to level the playing field. Instead of minimizing or exaggerating yourself, you can become fully conscious of your whole nature.
In doing so, you develop reflective awareness instead of deflective awareness. Deflective awareness is where you're BECOMING. Reflective awareness is where you’re now honoring and BEING your whole self. Instead of denying some part, you can become whole by acknowledging that what you see in others is inside you.
Aristotle wrote about when the seer, the seeing, and the seen are the same.
As I often say, whatever you see in others is a projection of your own reality.
I found that when you resent someone and look down on them, it's because they remind you of something you feel ashamed of inside of you. You dissociate from the shame with pride and cover it up and are too proud to admit you do that. But if you go in there and identify what specific trait, action, or inaction you perceive in this individual that you despise, dislike most, or resent most, or avoid most, and then identify where it lies in you - you can level the playing field.
You could ask yourself, "Where do I do that? Go to a moment where and when you displayed that same trait, action or inaction. Where was it? When was it? Who did you do it to and who perceives you that way?" Again, if you look carefully, you'll find that you have all those traits, actions or inactions. Nothing's missing in you.
Whenever you're too proud or too humble to admit what you see in other people inside you, that judgment mostly leaves you feeling empty. The emptiness occurs because you're disowning those parts. However, it may inspire you to know that you can put your parts back together by being conscious and asking quality questions such as those I teach in the Demartini Method as part of the Breakthrough Experience.
The next quality question is: “Go to a moment where and when you perceived this individual displaying or demonstrating the trait that you admire. In that moment, what are the DOWNSIDES of that trait?”
Every trait has both sides. If you're labeling it as a positive trait, it's likely because you're blind to the downside of that trait. Your intuition is likely trying to whisper the downside to you, but you're ignoring it and getting caught in an impulse to seek it out because it seems so positive.
The same goes for resentment. When you're too proud to admit what you see in others is inside you, you tend to overlook the benefits and upsides. For example, we've likely all had experiences we thought were terrible, only to realize later that they were equally terrific and also blessed our lives.
The question I’d like to ask, is why wait for the wisdom of the ages with the aging process when you can look now and find the blessing without the aging process? If you look, you’ll find it. I've worked with hundreds of thousands of people, and every time they've judged something in somebody, they found they had the same trait to the same degree as what they perceived in them.
They also realized that if it was a negative or positive trait, action or inaction, they could find the other side and neutralize their perception of it.
The moment they do, instead of judging, they gained reflective awareness. They achieved equanimity within themselves, equity between them and others, and realized that there's nothing to judge - just something to love.
All the people you admire or despise are there to reveal parts of you that you've been denying.
Once you discover that you possess everything you see in others, you are more likely to appreciate them as your teachers, not to mention realize that nothing's missing. This is when you free yourself to experience love, appreciation, and fulfillment. I describe love as being a synthesis and synchronicity of complementary opposites, it’s appreciation and fulfillment combined. When you reach that state of integration, you're most likely to experience wholeness.
When it comes to something known as “imposter syndrome”, I believe this mostly occurs when you're too proud or too humble to admit what you see in others inside you. That’s when you’ll tend to put on your facades, personas, and masks in an attempt to cover up your real nature. Your real nature is enlightened, empowered, and magnificent, but you may not see it when you’re in a disintegrated state.
You may want to be loved for who you are, but how can that happen when you're not even acknowledging parts of yourself or spend your life trying get rid of the half of yourself you perceive as being negative?
True integration involves acknowledging all the parts you've disowned, transforming becoming into being, and moving from a distorted sense of reality to a state of presence where you honor your reality. In this self-actualized state, as Maslow described, you see the whole.
I am certain that the magnificence of who you are is far greater than your fragmented parts. I would love to have you join the Breakthrough Experience program so I can share with you how to integrate yourself, honor your uniqueness, and stop trying to fit in and losing yourself in the process. I’ll show you how to ask wise quality questions, hold yourself accountable, and integrate your parts (or personas) so you can live with integrity instead of disassociation, love your life, transcend judgments, and achieve fulfillment. You have the capacity to do something extraordinary when you embrace the real you.
To Sum Up
Your essential nature relates to 'being,' while your existential journey involves 'becoming.
When you judge someone and compare yourself to them, putting them on a pedestal or in a pit, you tend to adopt different personas and masks as a result. This is not your authentic, integrated self.
You tend to only judge things in other people that you’re too humble or too proud to admit that you have inside.
When you are in judgment, you are on a journey of BECOMING as you journey through personal development, adopting various personas, masks, and facades, and experiencing imposter syndrome.
True integration involves acknowledging all the parts you've disowned, transforming becoming into being, and moving from a distorted sense of reality to a state of presence where you honor your whole being.
I would love to have you join me at my 2-day signature The Breakthrough Experience program so I can share with you quality questions that will help you to integrate your many personas into one authentic self, honor your uniqueness, and stop trying to fit in and losing yourself in the process.
I am certain that the magnificence of who you are is far greater than the fragmented parts. You have the capacity to do something extraordinary when you being and embracing the whole authentic you.
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