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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 2 weeks ago
In all likelihood, you have heard people judging themselves or beating themselves up, making statements like: "I made a mistake," "I messed up," or "I keep self-sabotaging", or “I should have done this”. This may even be something you’ve said yourself at some point.
You may also have heard people stating that others have made mistakes. Perhaps you even perceive some individuals in your life have done certain actions or inactions that you think they “shouldn’t” have done.
The question is, are these actions or inactions really mistakes?
Upon careful examination of the times that you perceive that others have made mistakes, you’ll likely find that you’re doing one or all of these:
- You could be projecting an unrealistic expectation onto them, expecting them to be one-sided, nice never mean, kind never cruel, supportive never challenging.
- You could be comparing them to someone and expecting them to live outside of their own unique hierarchy of values and because they’re not living up to your projected expectations, you’re labeling what they do as a mistake.
- You could be projecting your own set of highest values onto them, expecting them to live according to what’s important to you instead of honoring them for living their own authentic set of values.
When people express the side of behavior you assume ‘shouldn’t exist’ or when you perceive they’re doing an action or inaction that you perceive is challenging what’s important to you, you may feel a sense of disappointment or betrayal. You may even perceive that they are messing up and not living up to your expectations.
That being said, it is unwise and unrealistic to expect someone to conform to your highest values and to make decisions outside of their own unique set of values.
When you are cocky, proud, look down on someone, project your values onto them, and expect them to live congruently with your highest values, you set yourself up for betrayal.
You delude yourself into thinking they keep making “mistakes” and are “wrong”, convincing yourself that you need to fix and change them to align with what you believe to be most important.
This is an unrealistic expectation because they aren't actually making mistakes according to their own intrinsic values. They are making assessments and decisions based on THEIR highest values and the information available to them at that moment.
So, in their unique value system, it's not a mistake; they're simply making decisions based on their perceptions of what they believe will give them more advantages than disadvantages. In your perceptions and values, you may, without deeply thinking, label their actions or inactions as “mistakes”.
For example, if you hire individuals in a company, you may not realize that if the individual doesn't feel that the job responsibilities help them fulfill what they value most in life, they will likely continue to pursue alternative or distracting activities that are more fulfilling and not be fully reliable to be accountable to the job duties.
Consequently, you apparently hired a less than fully engaged individual and not adequately assessed if they were genuinely engaged and inspired to do the work.
Labeling them and saying they keep making mistakes is likely an unrealistic expectation for them to live in your highest values.
Employers are wise to inquire about how the proposed job duties specifically contribute to fulfilling what is most meaningful to the propspective or hired employee.
Contrary to what many managers expect, people don't work for the sake of a company; they work to fulfill their highest values. They’re intrinsically driven to spontaneously do what’s most important to them.
If an employee is engaged and inspired to do the work and they can see how the job responsibilities align with and fulfill their values, the probability of your labeling them as mistake-prone decreases. Why? Because they are making decisions and taking actions based on what's truly valuable to them.
If you also expect yourself to live in somebody else's highest values, perhaps because you are infatuating with them and putting them on a pedestal, injecting some of their values into your life, and being too humble to admit that what you see in them is inside you - you may begin to think that you are making mistakes.
This can lead to thoughts and feelings of many so-called mislabels such as - self-sabotage, limited beliefs, and a lack of discipline and focus.
You might think, "What am I doing wrong? I keep sabotaging, making mistakes, and not staying focused." This is likely because you're attempting to live in someone else's higher values when, in fact, you are designed to live in your own.
Many people go around thinking they keep making mistakes and messing up when in actual fact, the reason the perceive they’re making mistakes is because they keep trying to live in other people's values and comparing their actions accordingly.
In the 1980s, I asked many of the groups that I was addressing to write down the number one question they'd like addressed in the presentation. Consistently, one of the most common requests was for me to address, "How do I stay focused?"
Many people try to live in other people's values, wondering why they can't stay focused, why they lack discipline, and why they struggle to stay on track. This is highly likely because they're trying to live in someone else's higher values instead of being true to themselves and their own.
Everybody wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are:
As long as you project your highest values onto others, expecting them to live in your highest values, you'll tend to many times feel betrayed when they don't meet your unrealistic expectations.
People want to be loved for who they are, and who they are is a reflection of what they value most.
If you don't know what their unique hierarchy of values are and you expect them to live outside of it, you'll likely feel they're making mistakes and label them as incompetent. But in their values, they are competent and not making mistakes. It is there that they are disciplined, reliable, and focused.
As such, it’s wise to reflect on YOUR highest values AND the highest values of others.
If you’d love others to align with what's important to you, consider articulating your desires or expectations in a way that aligns with their highest values. This way, they'll tend to be engaged, less likely to make so-called "mistakes," and you won't feel the need to fix them.
If they don't see the correlation or connection between what you want and their values, they'll likely make decisions based on their values, and you'll think something is wrong with them and perhaps try to “fix” them.
This is a wise approach to take in all relationships. If you are in a romantic relationship, for example, you and your partner will likely face challenges due to differing sets and hierarchies of values. If you can't see how their highest values help you fulfill yours, you might feel the urge to fix them. Conversely, if they can't see how your highest values contribute to fulfilling theirs, they may want to fix you. When two people are driven by pride and one believes their values are right and more important and the others is wrong and less important, conflict often arises, with both parties labeling each other as narcissists or making mistakes, not respecting each other, and feeling betrayed.
However, this is a result of not understanding how human behavior works - people make decisions based on their values, not yours. What may be labeled a mistake is often an assessment made according to the data they perceive, influenced by their set of values.
As such, it is wise to avoid projecting the idea that others are mistaken.
In your own life, you might think, "I keep making mistakes," but that's likely because you're expecting yourself to live outside your own highest values, leading to frustration and futility. For example, you may express a desire for financial independence but struggle because your true highest value lies in owning immediate gratifying consumables. Feeling sidetracked, undisciplined, and unable to get ahead, you may mistakenly believe you are making errors, when it is more likely that you are attempting to conform to something not truly important to you.
Your hierarchy of values determines your destiny, influencing all your decisions, perceptions, and actions.
Expecting yourself to live outside that hierarchy is most likely to lead you to feelings of self-betrayal, frustration, and self-depreciation.
Comparisons to others can also distort your perception of mistakes.
Comparing yourself to others increases the likelihood of labeling either yourself or them as mistaken, often resulting in emotional turmoil, false attribution biases, and injections or projections.
It is unwise to compare yourself to others, and wiser to compare your daily actions to what you value most.
Whenever you’re projecting your values onto others, expecting them to live in your unique set of values you’ll hear yourself using imperative language - you "got to," "have to," "must," "should," "ought to," "supposed to," "need to." These are often signs of projections that may lead you to think there's something wrong with the individual you’re projecting your values onto.
Whenever you’re attempting to inject the values of the individuals you perceive to be your outer authorities, expecting yourself to live in their unique set of values you’ll hear yourself using imperative language - I "got to," "have to," "must," "should," "ought to," "supposed to," "need to." These are often signs of injections that may lead you to think there's something wrong with you.
The magnificence of who you are surpasses these self-imposed limitations.
Wise steps to take when you perceive that you have made a mistake
In my signature 2-day Breakthrough Experience program, I often have people tell me that they feel guilty about something. Perhaps they feel they’ve messed up in a particular area, or that they “should” have acted differently to how they did.
Using the Demartini Method, I show them how to look back at the situation and identify how their actions (that they perceive as being a mistake) actually SERVED others and themselves.
This is a highly effective tool to help them realize that in their own set of values they didn’t actually make a mistake. Instead, its likely that another individual had an expectation, projected their values onto them, and labeled them that way. They then internalized that label of having made a mistake, and felt ashamed.
In other words, it’s a way of balancing the equation so that the upsides and downsides of a situation are equal. In most cases, you may not even realize that you’re trying to live in someone else’s set of values or that they’re trying to live in yours. They wisest approach is to live congruently with your own highest values, prioritize your life accordingly, and begin dissolving your perception of mistakes.
In the Breakthrough Experience, you will also learn how to dissolve judgments on yourself or others. It's truly remarkable.
As you go through the Demartini Method, these judgments dissolve, revealing a hidden order in the chaos. You realize that you simply didn't know how to ask the right questions to balance it out. And, contrary to the popular mindset out there, when you complete the exercise, you discover that there's nothing to fix.
To Sum Up:
Whenever you try to project your own set of values onto others or try to inject their set of values into you, expecting them or yourself to live in a certain way, you tend to perceive mistakes.
However, when you ask more balancing questions, balance the equation, and understand that people live congruently with their own set of values while you live congruently with yours, a significant shift occurs. You find more gratitude, appreciation for life, and love for yourself and others. You also tend to become more inspired, enthused, certain, and present in your life, leading to a more fulfilled life.
Here are a few steps you can take if you are inspired to address your own perceptions around the so-called mistakes of others and yourself:
Pause and reflect whenever you catch yourself saying, "I should, I ought to, I'm supposed to, I got to, I have to, I must, I need to." This imperative language is a sign that you are injecting values from an external authority, often leading to the feeling that you are not living up to expectations or are making mistakes. It is wise to look beyond that and realize that it’s values-driven.
If you try to live in other people’s values, or try to have others live in your values, you will experience feelings of FUTILITY. However, when you communicate your own set of values in terms of another individual’s set of values, you are more likely to have UTILITY. This is also where you will reduce the perception that you are making mistakes, sabotaging and self-depreciating, or depreciating other people and by perceiving them to be doing the same.
It is wise to listen to your imperative language - "got to," "have to," "must," "should," "ought to," "supposed to," "need to." These are often signs of projections and injections that may lead you to think there's something wrong with them or you. The magnificence of who you are surpasses these self-imposed limitations.
In the Breakthrough Experience, especially in the section where you learn to determine your highest values and live congruently with them, and in doing the Demartini Method to dissolve emotional baggage, you can transform perceptions of mistakes in your life. This transformation will allow you to see the magnificent order that I’ve found to exist after all.
Join me at the Breakthrough Experience so I can guide you in making this shift that will stay with you for life.
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If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then click on the LIVE chat button bottom right of your screen and chat to us now.
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Important Notice:
The content shared in this blog is for education and personal development. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.
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