Dr John Demartini – Managing Emotions in Challenging Circumstances

Dr John Demartini is a world-renowned specialist on human behavior, a researcher, author and global educator. He has studied over 30,000 books across all the defined academic disciplines and has synthesized the wisdom of the ages, which he shares on stage in over 100 countries around the world.

We asked Dr Demartini to share his insight on ways we can manage our emotions in a time where many people have lost their business or source of income, or feel overwhelming emotions ranging from fear and anxiety to depression and rage.

In this video, Dr. John Demartini shares his insight on ways we can manage our emotions in challenging circumstances.

• Many people are struggling with their emotions. Some have lost their livelihoods, others feel overwhelmed by all the challenges and change, and some may even feel depressed or angry. What is your advice to these people right now?

Right now, many people tend to compare what’s going on in their life right now with the way it used to be, or a fantasy of the way they’d like it to be. As a result, they’re not grounded in reality and can easily become frustrated or depressed. They tend to overreact and dramatize their story in a way that makes them the victim of something that is happening TO them.

The first step is to stop and objectively assess the situation as best you can. Objectivity means ‘even minded’. That means you're anticipating the challenges that you face and you're mitigating the responses. The second step is to ask yourself, “How is my current real situation helping me get what I want?” Then don't stop until you write down as many benefits of what's happening in that moment as you can, as well as a plan of how this challenge can be used to accomplish what you want in life. In doing so, you choose to become a master of your destiny instead of the victim of your history.

• What about people who can’t find anything positive about their current situation?

There is no such thing on this planet that doesn't have an upside. It doesn't exist. During The Breakthrough Experience weekends that I offer, I often have people come in who want to tell their story and demonstrate how hard their life has been. I have to stop them and ask, “But how has that helped you?” Sometimes it takes a while, but I keep asking, “What was the benefit?” And then all of a sudden they get over the hump and they start looking at ways that so-called challenge has helped them spiritually, intellectually, financially, professionally, socially and in terms of their health.

If you just keep answering that same question, your “challenge” will no longer be perceived as a challenge. You won't be depressed because you won't have an unrealistic expectation and fantasy that you're comparing your life to. You'll be seeing things as “on the way”, not “in the way”, and your mind and emotions will be brought back into balance.

• So it’s essentially about letting go of our fantasies about what we think it SHOULD be like, and instead getting grounded about the ways things are and how they are actually serving us?

When you’re holding onto a fantasy, you're rigid and focusing on the nightmare and not on the opportunity. However, when you are objective and grounded, you become adaptable and resilient. Your forebrain can come up with ways to innovate and find a product or service that solves a problem for a particular group of people. No matter what’s going on – there’s always somebody that needs a product or service.

Think about it this way - it's the challenge in your life that causes innovation. It's the challenge in your life that wakes up genius. You’re not going to feel fulfilled and inspired by getting everything you want and having an easy life. You need both.

• So once I have a more grounded and balanced view, and have an idea of a goal or objective I would like to reach – what do I do next?

You can then start to think about the highest priority action that you can do right now that is real, and that will allow you to move one step closer to this objective. I’m not talking about long exhaustive To Do lists, but daily actions that add up over time. As long as you stay on the highest priority action towards a real objective, you're doing as much as any human being can do. You will transform this situation into something that's productive, that's meaningful and something that will take you to the next level.

• What would you say to someone that has experienced failure in a relationship?

First of all, I don't use the word failure or success. I think those are illusions. There is no failure. The only way you can label yourself as ‘having failed’ is by having a rigid fantasy about what your life/ business/ relationship is supposed to look like.

For example, I’ve had men and women tell me that they have been in three failed relationships. I’ve said, “That's ridiculous. You had a relationship, you had a fantasy about how it was supposed to look, how long it was going to last, and how it was supposed to be, and that fantasy is now broken, as it's designed to be. If you went into a relationship with a fantasy about your partner, then tried to change them and punish them for failing short of that fantasy, they're not going to feel loved and appreciated for who they are and they're going to go find somebody that will do that. So you didn't fail. You learned.

• What would you suggest to people navigating what they perceive to be a failure in business?

It’s the same in business. The fantasy could be that you think you know what the market needs, only to find that the market doesn't actually need it. And so you don't have a demand and you do have an excess of supplies, and you think you’ve failed. No, you learned. You received feedback. You now get to refine your offering and try again:

• Set goals that are more grounded and more realistic.
• Ask yourself, “What are the highest priority action steps I can do today to make this happen? What obstacles might I run into and how do I solve them in advance so I'm prepared with foresight and not being broadsided because of my fantasy. What worked and what didn't work today and how do I do it more effectively and efficiently?”
• Don’t get attached to labels of “success” and “failure” because they will run your life.
• Get focused - the fantasy of success without failure is just that, a fantasy.
• Get grounded - start working towards your objectives with daily high priority actions.
• What advice would you give to anyone feeling disempowered and at the mercy of the current global situation?

Every day, people live by a set of priorities or a set of values – either consciously or subconsciously. When they're living by what I call their “highest priorities” or “highest values”, they excel. They're spontaneously inspired from within to work, do and accomplish. However, when they try to live by lower values because they're comparing themselves to others, injecting other people's values, letting people tell them what to do, and trying to imitate other people, they devalue themselves.

So, it’s important to get real clear about your highest values, because that will determine the unique goals you would like to achieve, and the specific action steps to get you there. You can do this free of charge on my website: https://drdemartini.com/values/ The next thing you need to know is that any area of your life that you don't EMPOWER, something or someone else will OVERPOWER. If you don't empower yourself in your mind, you'll be told what to think. If you don't empower yourself in business, you'll be told what to do. If you don't empower yourself in finance, you'll be told what you're worth. If you don't empower yourself in relationships, you'll be trapped in something unfulfilling. If you don't empower yourself in your health, you'll be told what drugs to take. If you don't empower yourself spiritually, you'll be told some dogma that's irrational.

It begins with first KNOWING your highest values, empowering all seven areas of your life, and increasing your “deserve level” by realising that no matter what you've done or not done, you're worthy of love.

• Any final words of advice?

I think that there are many upsides to what's happened and I think we’d be wise to spend some time working through them. So apply what I have shared today - find out how this time serves you, calm down your fantasy about how things “should” be, get objective, get to priority, and go and do something amazing with your life.