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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 2 years ago
In all probability, you’ve perceived many times of challenges, conflict, defiance and a difference of opinion with family members in your family life. While you may perceive it to be frustrating and challenging at times, I am certain that it also helps you grow.
That said, there are certain tools you can implement if you would love to reduce defiance and conflict with one or many of your family members by mastering the art of communication.
The Value of Values in a Family
Each and every individual in your family and extended family, in fact, everyone on the planet, has a unique set of values or priorities. These are fingerprint specific to each individual, and no two human beings are likely to have the same values.
If you look carefully in your family, you'll see this in action.
You may have a brother or sister who is quite different from you and has a vastly different set of values than you. You may be dedicated to organization, structure and goal setting, while they may just go with the flow. You may be focused on metaphysics and philosophy, while they may be more practical, interested in science and engineering.
These types of pairs of opposites are incredibly common in families, which can result in challenges when communicating. What you may think is important is something they are not interested in, and vice versa.
So, everyone has a unique set of values or set of priorities. Whatever is highest on their values, set of priorities, and hierarchy of values is what they're dedicated to.
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- Their identity revolves around it.
- Their purpose is an expression of what's highest on their values.
- This is what they want to learn the most.
- This is how they filter their reality.
Whatever's most important to them, most meaningful to them, and most fulfilling and inspiring is what their life is about - the same with you, your siblings, parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts, cousins, etc.
Everyone will Show You Love According to Their Own Unique Set of Values
If your father is dedicated to education, he's highly likely to encourage education. Your mom may educate and attempt to inspire you on health. Someone else may encourage you to get married and start a family. Others may want the whole family to get together as often as possible. In contrast, others may be dedicated to their work and not prioritize family gatherings as much as others.
Everyone is also likely to project their values onto you. Some of those values may be more meaningful than others, and others may be frustrating if you don’t share the same values they do.
So, what is the wisest way to communicate with them so THEY'RE not resistant and defiant (which they are likely to be if you’re projecting what’s important to you onto them if it’s not important to them), and how do they communicate with you so YOU'RE not resistant and defiant (when what they’re projecting onto you isn’t important to you)?
What is the wisest way to meet in the middle as equals?
STEP 1: Identify YOUR top three highest values and those of your family members.
If you've never taken the time to do that, you are not likely to fully know them. If you don't know what they're dedicated to, what's most inspiring to them, and what they're most fulfilled by, you're unlikely to know what their life's really about.
As such, you may be projecting assumptions that they're living in the same values as yours, which is impossible. If this is the case, you're highly likely to experience feelings of frustration, even sometimes anger and resentment towards them.
Identifying both your and their unique set of values and their highest priorities is a crucial step in communication. You can visit my website and go through the FREE, confidential Demartini Value Determination Process to determine your values first and then apply the same process to determine theirs.
Note, when it comes to determining values, that it is wise to do it again every few months to get an idea of what your life is most consistently committed to and what your life is demonstrating as being most important to you over time.
Your Life Demonstrates Your Values
Your perceptions, decisions and actions are based on your values.
The hierarchy of your values dictates your destiny, and who you are is an expression of those values.
So, it's a wise first step to identify your values before encouraging your family members to determine their values.
An idea of how to approach it with them is to say something like:
"You know, I see that sometimes I'm not always respecting you, listening to you, or communicating effectively with you. I have found an online tool that may help me have more respect and appreciation for you while also helping me communicate more effectively with you.
I know that you're busy, but it would really mean a lot for me to be able to communicate more effectively with you. If we did this exercise to determine your values, it might help me appreciate what you're committed to. I think I'm projecting my assumptions onto you and creating projections and expectations that are unrealistic. It's causing conflict between us that I really would love not to be there."
If you approach it in a way where they perceive that they will gain respect and appreciation from it, they are more likely to go through the process of determining their values.
STEP 2: Take the top three most important priorities and values in THEIR life and the top three most important values in YOUR life, and ask this question:
"How specifically is what they're dedicated to, what's most important to them, what they're inspired by, what they spontaneously do, what their life revolves around - how is that helping ME fulfill what I AM dedicated to, what's most inspiring to me and what's priority to me?"
If you can't see how what they're dedicated to is serving you, you're likely to self-righteously project your values onto them. As a result, they're likely to automatically feel resistant and become defiant, resulting in conflict.
- Anytime you inflate yourself ABOVE other individuals and project your values onto them, you will tend to experience their resistance.
- Anytime you deflate yourself below them and sacrifice what's valuable to you to be with them, you're also likely to experience resistance from within you.
You're likely to have miscommunication or alternating dialogues more than a dialogue until you have an equal playing field.
- If you look down on them and think your values are more important than theirs, you're likely to be CARELESS.
- If you're looking up at them, you're likely to be CAREFUL and walk on eggshells.
- When you perceive that you are equal to them, you are most likely to have a CARING dialogue.
Caring Communication Reduces Much of the Conflict and Defiance in Relationships and Makes Them More Sustainable.
An individual is not likely to be defiant if you communicate what you would love to say in terms of what they would love to hear.
If it's helping them fulfill what they value most, they're more likely to turn around and help you fulfill what you value most.
I am certain that most conflict is based on these perceived inequalities between family members.
If you think that your values are superior or right and expect others to live in those values, that then can create resistant chaos.
Most of the chaos in relationships stems from an assumption that other individuals are supposed to see the world through your eyes.
That's not going to happen. One of the most unrealistic expectations you'll ever have is to expect somebody to live in your values, or for you to live in theirs. It's not going to work. The more you or they expect that, the more It just creates perceptions of resistance.
It is, therefore, wise to take the time to find out what their TOP THREE values are. Take the time to find out what yours are, and ask:
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- How is their top value helping you fulfill yours?
- How is their second value helping you fulfill yours?
- How is their third value helping you fulfill yours?
- How do your top three values help them fulfill theirs?
If you can see how what they're dedicated to is serving you, you’ll experience an amazing shift in your relationship. You'll have a different respect for them and be far more likely to think before you speak.
The more links you create between your highest values and theirs, the more respectful your communication is likely to be, and the higher the probability that you're going to masterfully communicate what you want to say in terms of what they want to fulfill.
If you help them fulfill what they would love to do in life, it greatly enables you to fulfill what you would love to do in life.
Now, you may perceive this process to be quite time-consuming. Still, I am certain that if you don't learn this art of communicating in people's values, the resulting frustration, aggravation, conflict, dissipation of energy, and noise in the brain is going to be way more costly in time than the time it takes you to make these links.
Knowing what happens neurologically in your brain may interest you when you make these links between their highest values and yours.
In essence, when you see other individuals as your equals, you will be far less likely to emotionally react because you are operating more out of the executive center of your forebrain than your subcortical amygdala.
When you communicate from your amygdala, you are more likely to miscommunicate, include gestural communication, and go into anger and aggression.
Anger and aggression are by-products of miscommunication. They are the lowest levels of communication and the last resort for people who don't know how to communicate verbally and masterfully.
That's why you may often experience defense and defiance as a result, which is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing. They're FEEDBACK to let you know that you're not communicating from a place of respect and equanimity. Instead, you're likely communicating from an autocratic state where you think your values are right or better and theirs are wrong.
The feedback you're receiving in the form of defiance and conflict is valuable feedback that you're narcissistically projecting an assumption that they're supposed to read your mind and be doing what you think is important instead of respectfully communicating what you value in terms of what they value.
If you help other people fulfill their values and do it in a way you are also fulfilling yours, you've mastered the art of communication.
Reflective Awareness is the Key to Intimacy.
Suppose you want to have a close relationship with people. In that case, it is wise to realize that anything you're too proud or too humble to admit that you see in them is also inside of you and by their denial they are likely to block your communication.
- If you're looking down at them and they're doing something you're too proud to admit you're doing, you'll tend to talk down to them.
- If you're admiring them and looking up at them and minimizing yourself as a result, you'll tend to talk up to them.
- Anytime you're too proud or too humble to admit what you see in others inside you, you've lost your intimacy, you've lost reflection, you've gone into deflection, and you're likely to begin miscommunicating. Why? Because you don't have an equitable and sustainable fair exchange being demonstrated.
For this very reason, I teach a method called the Demartini Method in my signature two-day program, the Breakthrough Experience. I teach how to ask a new set of questions so you can discover that whatever you see in others, you have inside yourself equally.
If you look down on (dislike, despise, resent) someone’s traits, actions, or inactions, you’ll learn to ask where you do what you perceive to the same degree as what you see in the individual and what are the upsides of that trait, action, or inaction to you.
If you look up at (like, admire, infatuate) someone’s traits, actions, or inactions, you’ll learn to ask where they do what you perceive to the same degree as what you see in the individual and what are the downsides of that trait, action, or inaction to you?
As such, you can bring yourself back to equilibrium and equanimity where you see the other individual as equal to yourself and their traits, actions, or inactions as also equally serving as not serving you in your highest values.
This reflective awareness and seeing their actions, or inactions as on the way, wakes up a deep appreciation and gratitude for the individual as they are, where you’re not trying to change them or yourself and this is when relationships thrive.
In Conclusion
- Nobody has the same hierarchy of values as you.
- Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated for who they are, and who they are revolves around what they value most.
- If you can't see how what they truly value is helping you fulfill what you truly value, you're likely to want to change them.
- Individuals don't want to be changed. They want to be loved and appreciated for who they are.
- Communicating in terms of an individual’s highest values is a gold mine. It will change the relationships you have with the people you care about.
- There's no reason for unnecessary family conflict when you have the tools to master communication to dissolve it.
- The amount of energy it takes to master this skill is insignificant compared to the amount of energy you'll likely spend in all those conflicts throughout your life.
- If you would love someone to help and guide you through the process of identifying your highest values and learning to communicate in terms of each other's highest values, then join me at my two-day seminar the Breakthrough Experience.
Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?
If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team so we can take you through your mini power assessment session.
You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.
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