Recognizing Love in its Many Forms

DR JOHN DEMARTINI   -   Updated 1 month ago

Dr Demartini explains the differences between infatuation and love, and why breaking through fantasies or unrealistic expectations is the key to finding true relationship fulfillment.

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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 1 month ago

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Understanding Infatuation

Like many people, especially in your teens and twenties, you may have been impulsively drawn to another individual when you were conscious of their upsides and unconscious of their downsides. As such, you were likely blinded, ignorant, and naïve to their downsides, while also being excited, elated and sometimes almost manic about what you perceived this individual to be.

This perception likely stimulated a dopamine rush from your amygdala, the desire center in the subcortical area of your brain, which elevated the levels of oxytocin, vasopressin, serotonin, endorphins and sometimes even estrogen in your body.

As a result, you’d likely have had some illusory feelings of ‘happiness’, ‘safety’, ‘attachment’, ‘nurturing’ and ‘peace’, which facilitated the subjectively biased fantasy you created about what could happen in future – a future you perceived would have more upsides than downsides.

You may even have found your

Understanding Infatuation

Like many people, especially in your teens and twenties, you may have been impulsively drawn to another individual when you were conscious of their upsides and unconscious of their downsides. As such, you were likely blinded, ignorant, and naïve to their downsides, while also being excited, elated and sometimes almost manic about what you perceived this individual to be.

This perception likely stimulated a dopamine rush from your amygdala, the desire center in the subcortical area of your brain, which elevated the levels of oxytocin, vasopressin, serotonin, endorphins and sometimes even estrogen in your body.

As a result, you’d likely have had some illusory feelings of ‘happiness’, ‘safety’, ‘attachment’, ‘nurturing’ and ‘peace’, which facilitated the subjectively biased fantasy you created about what could happen in future – a future you perceived would have more upsides than downsides.

You may even have found yourself thinking, “Oh my goodness, this could be the one” and possibly you began fantasizing about how wonderful your life would be together.

However, a day, a week, a month, or six months later, you likely found yourself discovering that this individual or relationship was not what you thought it to be, and may even have felt betrayed by them when they didn’t live up to the fantasy that you conjured and initially projected.

This would be an indication that you were infatuated and not “in love” with the other person.

Infatuation involves only seeing one side of the individual – the parts that you perceive to be positive and provide more support than challenge – more positives than negatives.

 

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The more extreme the conscious upsides are and the more ignorant the downsides are, the higher the probability that you'll be vulnerable to an illusive fantasy.

The greater the fantasy, the more addicted you can become and the more you might believe this individual will live up to your imagined outcome and the more blind you are to their potential and inevitable downsides. The greater the fantasy you build the more you will feel broadsided when you finally become conscious of what you perceive to be their negative traits.

While you may have thought it to be “true love”, it was more likely to be a biological survival mechanism for procreation arising from the amygdala in your brain and not from your executive center and/or heart.

True love, on the other hand, is when you are able to simultaneously PERCEIVE and LOVE both sides of the individual.

Think of it this way, if I was to come up to you and say, “You're always nice, never mean. Always kind, never cruel. Always generous, never stingy. Always giving, never taking. Always considerate, never inconsiderate. Always peaceful, never wrathful. Always positive, never negative,” your intuition would let you know this was untrue and that you have another side to you.

If I said, “You're always mean, never nice. Always cruel, never kind. Always negative, never positive. Always wrathful, never peaceful. Always stingy, never generous. Always taking, never giving. Always inconsiderate, never considerate,” your intuition would once again remind you of your other side.

So, if I point out all your downsides and no upsides, you’ll immediately think, “No, I've got upsides too.” If I point out all your upsides and no downsides, you’ll think of all the times you weren’t so nice. In other words, you would intuitively know that you have both sides.

In the same way, if you're in relationship with somebody and are blinded in your thinking or unconscious of one side of the individual and believe they're going to have more upsides than downsides, your intuition will try to make you conscious of the unconscious so you can see both sides of the individual.

Like many people, you may choose to ignore your whispering intuition and stay in your one-sided fantasy.

However, when you actually see both sides of an individual and embrace both side of them, you are far more likely to experience a lasting form of love – because you are more realistic and objective with your expectations.

If you stay with any individual for a significant duration, you're going to discover things you like and dislike, things you admire and despise, things you are attracted to and repelled from, things you want to hug and those you want to slug.


In other words, there are two sides to any relationship. When you can embrace both sides of another individual equally, and know that both sides are necessary for your evolution and development, you are far more likely to experience true unconditional love.

True love is an appreciation for and unconditional love of those two sides.

This also includes your relationship with yourself.

You may unconsciously be trying to get rid of the parts of yourself that you perceive to be negative. BUT, I am certain that you’re not here to get rid of half of yourself before you can fully love yourself. You're here to love both sides and do the same for others.

Infatuation often involves putting someone on a pedestal.

Let's say you meet someone that you’re infatuated with, meaning you are blind to their downsides. In the process, you tend to place them on a pedestal and look up to them. In doing so, you’re too humble to admit that what you see and admire in them is also inside you. Meaning that you are thereby disowning that part of yourself.

Whenever you disown a part of yourself and see them having something you don't, it creates a type of distinction, or “wall” between you and them, which creates a barrier to true intimacy.

Intimacy is pure reflective awareness – that what you see in them is also in you. You own it in your own form according to your own unique value structure. In other words, whatever you perceive in other people is a reflection of a part of you.

Let’s look at an example. When you are infatuated with somebody, you admire something in them that you also equally have in yourself but you are too humble to admit it. Being with that person reminds you of that trait within you and this makes you feel great about yourself, which is why you want to be with them.

It’s the same when it comes to traits you resent in others. You are likely too proud to admit what you see in them is also inside you because you feel ashamed of it. Seeing them reminds you of that trait within and you don’t like that reminder, so you try to avoid them.

When you own ALL the traits - the hero and the villain, the things you admire and despise, the things you like and dislike – when you can embrace both sides of yourself or another individual, you have pure reflective awareness, which is the source of true intimacy.

Love and intimacy are when you realize that what you see in others, you have it within yourself. When you have perfect reflective awareness, you have intimacy because there's no infatuation, resentment, pride or humility blocking you from connection.

For me, that is the state of love. When you achieve this state, you spontaneously have a very profound openhearted experience. This is one of the purposes of creating the Demartini Method of internal and external conflict resolution - to help individuals return to authenticity and experience such states of open hearted love.

In my signature program, the Breakthrough Experience, I've been teaching people the science of how to open your heart for that level of love. You can take people that you've never imagined you could open your heart to, and open your heart to them.

I've seen people having difficulties appreciating their mom, their dad, their loved ones, and even people who’ve been 100% ready to throw in the towel in their relationship, complete the Demartini Method where they write down whatever specific trait, action, or inaction they perceive this individual displaying or demonstrating that they admire or despise most. They then go to a moment when they perceive themselves displaying or demonstrating that same behavior. When they find it, it tends to awaken and humble them and make them ask the question, “Who am I to judge?”.

Another step involves looking for the downside of the thing they are infatuated with, or the upside to the thing that they are resenting so they can become conscious of their incomplete awareness, together with any biased and subjective viewpoints. When they go back and rebalance their perceptions, they become liberated and are able to experience an open-heart and unconditional love.

People want to be loved and appreciated for who they are. And so do you.

How are you going to love yourself if you're not willing to be yourself?

  • Anytime you judge another individual and put them down and put yourself up, that's not authentic. That's a facade, a persona, or mask that you wear called pride.
  • Anytime you look up to someone and minimize yourself, that's a shame mask.

Both of these scenarios represent high or low self-esteem instead of true self-worth.

But when you love somebody with true reflective awareness, you’re not having to exaggerate or minimize yourself or minimize or exaggerate them. Instead, you get to put them in your heart. In that state, we have love, and that’s trainable.

There's a science of love. I've been teaching it for years.

If you ask the right questions, you can become aware of the unconscious information that you're hiding from yourself so you can become fully conscious, see both sides, open your heart, and love the individual while also loving yourself.

Love is a synthesis and synchronicity of all complementary opposites.

If you look very carefully, whoever you're in a relationship with is going to have every imaginable trait demonstrated through time.

You may initially think, “Well, this time I have found someone that's going to give me more upsides than downsides,” but that’s just a fantasy. You are going to discover downsides in this individual that you didn't anticipate - spiritually or mentally or career or financial or family or social or physical areas of life. Nobody is worth putting on pedestals or in pits, but everyone is worth putting into your heart.

The reality is you need both sides to grow. If you perceive nothing but support (prey) and things that you like, you become like an animal eating prey without a predator, which makes you glutinous, fat and dependent. If you perceive nothing but challenge (predator) and things that you dislike, you become like an animal being eaten without prey, which makes you starved, emaciated and desire to be independent. If you perceive both simultaneously you receive maximum growth, resilience and adaptability.

You need both support and challenge, the positives, and negatives, to make a relationship grow.


People often speak about wanting to find their soul mate. A soul (State of Unconditional Love) mate, believe it or not, is the one that allows you to open up your heart, and to experience a state of unconditional love, which is a balanced authentic state, instead of a one-sided persona.

In Conclusion

  • Your intuition is constantly trying to help you become cognizant of what you’re unconscious of to help you see both sides so as to become mindful, fulfilled and whole.
  • Whenever you’re conscious of the upsides and unconscious of the downsides, your intuition will try to whisper the downsides to you to calm down the infatuation, which distracts you.
  • When you have a balanced orientation and you are eye to eye with them instead of looking up at them or down at them, you have a caring relationship made out of love.
  • Whenever you exaggerate yourself and look down on someone, or minimize yourself and look up to someone, you’re not being yourself and are likely to create disowned parts. Those disowned parts prevent you from having true intimacy.
  • Love is a synthesis and synchronicity of all complementary opposites.
  • True Intimacy is a perfect reflective awareness that whatever you see in others, you also see in yourself. In other words, you own ALL your parts and are in an unconditional love state. This is when you are at the level of the soul – the authentic and inspired you.

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Recognizing Love in its Many Forms

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