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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 4 months ago
Your Three Selves: Your Authentic Self, Your Exaggerated Inflated Self and Your Minimized Deflated Self
Inside you is your true AUTHENTIC self; then there is your INFLATED self when you puff yourself up with pride; and in contrast, your DEFLATED self when you are humbled and beating yourself up with shame.
Both your inflated self and your deflated self are the result of your external and internal judgments:
- When you look DOWN on someone, you tend to exaggerate yourself as you put them in the pit;
- When you look UP at someone, you tend to minimize yourself as you put them on a pedestal.
Both these personas, masks, or facades also result in your tending to skew and distort the goals and objectives you strive for into unrealistic fantasies.
Anytime you minimize or exaggerate others and simultaneously exaggerate or minimize yourself, you're likely to distort the time and space horizons of your goals.
If you're elated, inflated, self-righteous and puffed up with pride, you tend to set TOO BIG a goal in TOO SHORT a timeframe.
If you’re feeling like you’re not making progress in the timeframes you’d like, it’s likely you’ve set too big a goal in too short a timeframe.
What tends to happen is that you overextend yourself, don't get it done, and then beat yourself up to humble yourself. Perhaps you even entertain the idea of giving up.
Instead of perceiving this as a ‘negative’ thing or yourself as ‘undisciplined’ or ‘weak’, it is wise to rather see this as FEEDBACK to let you know that you set too big a goal is too short a timeframe without the proper strategies on how to get it done.
It's not that it couldn't be done in that time, but perhaps you didn't have the staffing, resources or strategies to get it done in that time.
Perhaps you didn't have the drive to get it done because it wasn't as important as you thought it was.
Perhaps more important priorities surfaced in your mind that you chose to give your time and attention.
If you minimize yourself, you will tend to set TOO SMALL a goal in TOO LONG a timeframe.
If you deflate, depreciate, don't believe in yourself, and are less confident in yourself, you will likely minimize what you can accomplish in various timeframes.
As a result of setting smaller goals in longer timeframes, you are more likely to accomplish those goals, which then lifts you back up out of your humbled state.
Each of the goals you set from these two exaggerated or minimized personas, are feedback mechanisms to get you to set real goals in real timeframes with real strategies.
- If you set too big a goal in too small a timeframe, and you tend to be humbled, which calms you down so you can set real goals in real timeframes.
- If you set too small a goal in too long a timeframe, you are more likely to succeed, which lifts you up again.
Both are mechanisms to guide you back into authenticity.
Everything that's going on in your life guides you back to authenticity. It guides you back to your true self, where you set real goals in real time frames.
The value of values when it comes to achieving your goals
When you expect others to live in your values:
Whenever you puff yourself up and look down on other people, you tend to expect them to live in your values, which is futile.
That, too, is feedback to let you know that you're puffing yourself up, that you don't have equanimity within and equity with other people, and that you likely have an unrealistic expectation of others.
Some of your goals may not just involve you accomplishing various things but also expecting other people to do things in your timeframe.
They may not achieve these goals because you projected your values onto them and expected them to live in your values, which is unsustainable. As such, they may tend to let you down.
This, too, is valuable feedback to humble you from your pride and to remind you to communicate what you want or value most in terms of what they want of value most, so they have just as much intrinsic drive or incentive to get it done.
By being who you truly are, your authentic self, living congruently with your highest values, you are far more likely to set real goals with real time frames, while also communicating respectfully with others in terms of their highest values.
When you expect yourself to live in other people's values:
Suppose you exaggerate the power or importance of another individual and minimize yourself in turn to them and expect yourself to live more like them in their values. In that case, you're automatically going to set up an unrealistic expectation because you're not going to be able to sustainably live in their values.
No one can live sustainably in other people's values, and you can't get others to live sustainably in your values.
You can, however, communicate what YOU value in terms of what THEY value, thereby helping them get what they want, which then enables you to get what you want.
This is one of the reasons I present my signature two-day program, the identify your own unique highest values or priorities that are fingerprint-specific to you.
Anytime you congruently live according to your own highest values, you tend to be the most inspired, productive and objective.
This is because the blood, glucose and oxygen goes into your forebrain and activates your prefrontal cortex executive center where you can clearly see your vision, plan strategically, and calm down your distracting subjective biases.
The moment you end up setting real goals in real timeframes that are fully aligned with your true highest values, you are more likely to perform high priority tasks and actions spontaneously.
The most any human being can do to maximize their potential is to live in accordance with their highest priority or value at any moment in time.
Asking yourself quality questions can change your life.
The moment you ask yourself quality questions is when your life begins to transform into a more quality, objective and fulfilled life.
2 quality questions you can ask yourself are:
- What is the highest priority action I can do right now to fulfill what's most deeply meaningful to me at this moment?
- How do I do this action most effectively and efficiently?
If you do, you will set far more realistic expectations and objectives. You will get things done. You will be less likely to subjectively bias yourself by puffing yourself up and beating yourself up.
You won't tend to set too big a goal in too short a timeframe or too small a goal in too long a timeframe, but instead, real goals in real timeframes.
Another practice that may be helpful to you when you set objectives and long-term or short-term goals is to write down the DATE YOU SET THEM and the DATE YOU INTEND TO ACCOMPLISH THEM.
Then, as you're pursuing them, it is fruitful to both monitor and measure or metric your progress.
- If you're on track, it's likely because you have set an authentic goal aligned with your highest values.
- If you're not on track, not getting started, or you are taking longer to achieve your goals, or you are getting it done faster than anticipated, you may have had set your goal from your exaggerated or minimized persona.
Continue to monitor your progress and record when you accomplish your goal.
- If you accomplished it before what you thought, that's most likely your minimized persona that set your goal.
- If you took longer than you expected, it was likely that your exaggerated persona set your goal. Or you set a goal that wasn't really important. Or, you had a lot of other higher priorities on your plate that you initially weren't thinking were as important, but that were truly more important to you than you believed. Or, you had other higher priorities come up.
There are times when great opportunities come up that are even higher in priority than the goal you originally set. It is wise not to beat yourself up if you delay a goal because you choose to do something more important.
I sometimes have goals that I'm on track to achieve when a wonderful opportunity arises that is higher in priority for me. I then delay the long-term outcome of the original goal because I am living by priority and getting the next highest priority task done.
Being realistic about your expectations and flexible about new opportunities that may arise is just being adaptable.
The many disappointing outcomes occurring when setting and achieving goals can stem from unrealistic expectations.
Whenever you aren't living by priority or congruently with your highest values, and you end up trying to live by lower values, your blood, glucose and oxygen go into your amygdala and hindbrain, where you are likely to end up being distracted by trying to avoid pain and seek pleasure.
As such, you will likely subjectively bias your interpretation, distort your reality, and set goal deadlines that are too fast or too slow.
One of the wisest things to do is to make sure that your goal is really, really important to you.
In case you haven't taken the time to go on my website and do the FREE private Demartini Value Determination Assessment; in that case, I highly recommend you take the time to do it.
The 13 questions that will take around 20 minutes to complete will reveal what is most important to you (your highest values) and their hierarchy.
I often tell people in my Master Planning for Life program that it is wise not to waste your time on goals that aren't truly highest in priority and meaningful to you because if you do, you'll tend to have volatilities, outer distractions, self-depreciation and end up less likely to achieve them.
You'll also tend to exaggerate or minimize yourself. Those are all symptoms to let you know that you're not pursuing what's really authentically most important in your life.
Again, each of the symptoms in your life are trying to get you to be authentic and live by your highest value, which I call the telos. The telos is the highest value, the most important or primary objective you want to pursue in life.
Suppose you're trying to do low priority things because you set a goal, and the goal encompasses activities that are low on your list of values. In that case, you're going to automatically procrastinate, hesitate and frustrate.
Anything that's not inspiring to do, it's wise to outsource and delegate it so you can get on with your highest priorities instead of procrastinating, hesitating and frustrating.
I love my teaching business, but the part I love about my business is researching, writing, and teaching. I don't necessarily like doing some administrative functions such as accounting or HR.
I have learned to target and focus on the niche functions that I love and that are a priority and delegate the rest.
Should I ever try to perform all tasks and be all things to all people, chaos certainly ensues.
I'll then be setting unrealistic expectations on myself and not get lower priority things done because I'll procrastinate, hesitate and frustrate on them because they're not really most important to me.
What's important to me is what I do and love most - teaching.
So, it is wise to make sure that you really know yourself and are willing to be yourself, that the goals you're setting are not whims, fantasies and like many new year's resolutions; and that you don't spend your time and your life majoring in minor things.
Instead, go after what's most important in your life and then delegate everything else.
I often hear people say that they can't afford to delegate.
My response is that you can't afford NOT to delegate.
If you're not delegating lower priority things and you keep doing everything yourself, you're unlikely to have a life of inspiration.
Instead, it is wise to surround yourself with experts in the things that need to be done that are not inspiring to you, so you can go out and do something that's so meaningful, that contributes to others and that produces an income.
The Key to Fulfillment
You're not likely to have fulfillment in life unless you're doing something meaningful and inspiring to you and also serving other people.
I've been studying people for almost five decades, and I find that people who pursue goals with no meaning and that don't serve anyone are not likely to have fulfillment.
Your fulfillment in life is a combination of the integration of self AND other fulfillment - helping other people, thereby helping yourself.
If you do something you really love to do, that you can't wait to get up in the morning and be of service to it, people can't wait to get your service.
When there's a fair exchange and service, you'll get remunerated for it, you'll get an income, and you'll be able to afford to delegate lower priority things.
Fair exchange underlies the path of inspiration. Doing what you love and loving what you do. That's the way to live your most fulfilled life.
It's not going to happen if you're not doing the highest priority thing that's most inspiring to you, that's also deeply meaningful and equitably serves others.
A few more quality questions you can add to those I mentioned above:
- What's the highest priority action that I could do that I absolutely love doing, and how do I serve ever greater numbers of people with it?
- How can I get handsomely and beautifully paid to do it?
- What are the highest priority actions I can do right now to move in that direction and live by priority?
If you do, you will tend to set more authentic and objective goals, and get more accomplished.
I learned from reading The Time Trap by Alec MacKenzie when I was 27 years old about how important it is to prioritize your life; make a list of everything you're doing and prioritize it based on productivity, how much it earns, and it's meaning; and then to hire somebody to do the lower priority things, so you're free to do the most important things to produce the most income.
If you do, you'll make more income, you'll be free of the lower priority things, you'll have more meaning and fulfillment, you'll serve more people, and experience more fulfillment, inspiration and vitality than before.
That's how you build companies. That's how you develop leadership. That's how you reduce the noise in your brain. That's how you end up with more income. That's how you have more stable relationships. That's how you have greater wellbeing and wellness.
Bill Gates was once asked in an interview what his day consists of?
He replied that he asked himself a very simple question each morning: what is the highest priority action I can do today to serve the greatest number of people most efficiently and effectively with the resources I have access to at this moment?
I am certain that if you prioritize what you feed your mind, what you listen to, what you eat, who you hang out with, your actions, your time, and your space - you're going to go farther in life and get more accomplished in life than if you don't.
There's no shortcut to that. That's the bottom line.
In Conclusion
How do you not give up on when you're making progress when it seems slow?
If you're giving up, your goal’s not most important to you. Giving up on something is feedback that it's not really most important to you.
It is wise to interrogate each goal you set to ensure that it is truly important to you and congruent with your highest values.
Make sure you're not setting goals that are low in priority that aren't truly yours.
Take the time to go on my website and do the FREE private Demartini Value Determination Assessment. In that case, I highly recommend you take the time to do it so you can identify your own unique set of highest values.
Getting clear on your highest values is key if you would love to set and achieve real meaningful goals in real timeframes.
The magnificence of who you are is far greater than all those fantasies you may be imposing on yourself.
Give yourself permission to go after what's truly meaningful to you, and delegate all lower priority tasks to others.
In other words, get somebody to help you get things done so you can get on to doing the most important things. Otherwise, you'll tend to have a life of quiet desperation, instead of a life of inspiration.
Nobody is going to get up in the morning and dedicate their life to your fulfillment and your highest priorities. If you don't do it, nobody else will do it.
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You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.
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