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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 2 years ago
“Nobody is missing their soulmate. Your soulmate is with you throughout your life. When you perceive that you are missing your soulmate it is because you have a delusion about what a soulmate is or is supposed to be.” – Dr John Demartini
In all likelihood, you have come across the idea of a soulmate - a concept that movies and books typically portray as a person who “completes” you and who is the “perfect fit”.
Today, I’d like to address why I am certain that:
- There’s no such thing as one forever, fantasy-fulfilling individual who’ll give you everything that you think you need.
- A soulmate is actually your full complement. This may be unified and expressed at any moment in one individual or be diversified into many different people.
Where is your soulmate?
Let’s begin with a statement that will form the foundation of what I am inspired to share with you.
At the level of the essence of your soul, nothing's missing.
At the level of the existence of your senses, things may appear to be missing.
When you look up to people or down on people, you tend to either be too humble or too proud to admit what you see in others inside yourself.
As such, you disown those parts that appear to be unreflected and you are likely to then search for a mate to bring fulfillment to those seemingly “missing” parts so you can own and love all parts of yourself.
Click below for the video of this article. ↓
Again: At the level of the essence of your soul, nothing is missing.
Your journey through life involves learning to love all parts of yourself: your hero, your villain, your saint, your sinner, your virtue, and your vice. Trying to get rid of the half of yourself that you perceive to be negative while also expecting to love yourself is not reasonable.
A soulmate emerges in your awareness when you are able to embrace all parts of your own self and their reflection through others because any part you disown, you’re likely to seek or attract.
That's why:
- If you're too proud to admit what you see in others inside you, you're likely to be too proud to admit you have that trait.
- If you're too humble to admit what you see in others inside you, you're likely to be too humble to admit you have that trait.
One of the keys of manifesting the soulmate is walking the path of authenticity within yourself, because how are you going to be loved for who you are if you've got a facade that you're wearing?
If you're too proud, that's not you. If you're too humble, that's not you. Your exaggerated or minimized you is not the true you.
When you're being your authentic self, you have the highest probability of attracting somebody that loves you for who you are. So just know that you're not likely to find your soulmate when you're putting on facades, because they can't get to your soul. They can't get to the authentic you.
What are you looking for in a soulmate?
I’d like to share an encounter I had with someone many years ago that captures the essence of what I believe a soulmate to be, and how it can either be present in one person or spread across a number of people.
This particular woman had attended one of my presentations and had offered to drive me to my next destination as it was on her way.
During the drive, she mentioned that she had a few questions about how she could find a soulmate - questions I was happy to answer. I explained that I would need to ask her a few in-depth questions and that I would be writing down her responses on a piece of paper so I could refer to them a bit later.
My first question was, “What are you looking for in a mate?” She began listing some very common criteria that many woman have when asked this question, and I took note of her answers.
She said that she would love someone who was good looking and fit, someone with a nice smile and someone quite manly looking. She mentioned that intelligence and ambition were also on the list, someone socially connected, more extroverted than introverted, and someone who would want to start a family with her.
I read the list back to her and asked if I had listed everything correctly and whether it was what she thought she was looking for. I also asked if she was ready for this man to show up and be part of her life, and she confirmed that she believed that she was more than ready for him to arrive.
Seeing both sides of your soulmate:
“Right,” I said, “let’s now begin writing down the OPPOSITE of what you have listed, because you won’t ever get a one-sided man. Instead, you’ll get a man that both supports and challenges you, a man that is sometimes kind and sometimes cruel, is sometimes nice and sometimes mean, is sometimes open and sometimes closed, is sometimes focused on you and at other times distracted and focused on other things, himself or others.
Whatever you are looking for, it is wise to be able to embrace it's opposite too, because life has and provides you with pairs of opposites.
“For example: I'm not a nice person and I'm not a mean person. Instead, I'm a human being who is nice when I perceive that you support my values and mean when I perceive that you challenge my values.
So, when you're looking for a Soul mate, if you're not prepared for the reality of both sides and you are only looking for a one-sided mate, you're looking for a fantasy and your life is likely to be or feel like a nightmare in comparison.
“As the Buddha says, the desire for that which is unobtainable and the desire to avoid that which is unavoidable, is the source of human suffering.
“You're likely to suffer when it comes to looking for a ONE-sided ‘perfect’ mate because he or she doesn’t exist.”
We went on to make a detailed list of the exact OPPOSITE traits she had listed, the ones she wasn't looking for.
She was understandably a little hesitant about writing them down on the list, so I told her, “That's what comes with the package. If someone is highly intelligent, they'll likely argue with you and stand up for themselves. If they’re very good looking, you’ll likely feel jealous if you perceive there are a bunch of women chasing him.”
The more we added to the list, the more she reflected on how she would be wise to prepare for both sides of her future soulmate, and not just the one-sided fantasy that doesn’t exist.
Once we had listed both pairs of opposites, I went on to talk about how there is nothing missing in her life.
As such, each of the traits she would love to have in a future partner were already present in her life in one form or another, and not necessarily in the single form she had fantasized about.
I asked her, “Where do you have a male in your life who is really good looking?” She thought about it and identified a male colleague who she thought was very attractive and she would occasionally flirt with him.
I then asked her about the opposite - a male who she didn’t find good looking and who she wasn’t attracted to. She identified the IT guy who helped her intellectually but who she wasn’t attracted to.
“So do you see how you have both in your life right now - the attractive and unattractive?” I asked. She confirmed that she could, and I could already tell that she was beginning to understand the process and where I was going with my questions.
We kept going down her list - both the qualities she had been looking for and their counterparts, and identified where they were already present in her life because, as I said earlier, at the level of the essence of your soul, nothing is missing.
“So what you're saying,” she continued, “is that everything I'm looking for is already in my life. In other words, I already have everything I'm looking for but in a form that I perceive to be safe. ?”
“Exactly,” I replied. “Your soulmate is always present, but it's in one or many forms. If you've been wounded by being with one, you'll likely disperse it into a variety of or many people in order to fill all the needs you want without having to experience the similar pains of the past. If you've been wounded by the many, and you perceive that it's more pleasant to be with one, you'll likely concentrate it back into one.”
I let that sink in for a while, and then continued with the process when I saw she had digested what we had spoken about.
I asked her to talk to me about men she had been in a relationship with for a year or longer, specifically the traits she admired in them, and those that made her perceive that maybe he wasn’t quite right for her.
“Well,” she said, “the one guy was highly intelligent, but incredibly argumentative. He always had to be right and tell me what I should do or think. Eventually, I got burned out and I just didn’t want to be around him anymore.”
I asked her to think about how her life reflected the fact that she was avoiding being in a similar situation by being around the highly intelligent IT guy without having to deal with him after hours.
She was quite taken aback at this point when she realized that she still had the intelligence around her that she so admired, but in a safe or more advantaged form.
“That’s it,” I said. “Your unconscious motives create your society around you so you can get what you want without the wounds you’ve experienced in the past.”
We moved onto the next guy who she said was so good looking, fit and muscular that she felt continually frustrated by it. As a result, she found herself feeling jealous of other women she perceived to be flirting with him.
This time, she made the connection without my input. “Ah,” she said. “So, I’ve avoided being in a similar situation by having a very handsome guy in my life but one who is married, so it’s safe. I don’t have to worry about someone taking him away from me!”
We then went through the rest of her relationships and I showed her how each of the guys she had been with had one of the traits she was looking for, together with another side that she found challenging.
These unhealed wounds and perceptions were unconsciously driving her into creating a soulmate that was diversified into many different people because it was “safer”.
As such, she had about 9 people who were filling in all the gaps of what she was looking for in a mate. So, the soulmate wasn't missing, it was diversified into about 9 different people, including a female business consultant.
From the many to the ONE soulmate
“So what do I do now?” she responded after a while. “Because while I appreciate how I have diversified my soulmate into all these different people, I really would love to have them unified into one individual.”
“Well,” I said, “we can clear those wounds by balancing out your previous perceptions and allow you to move from diversified forms, because if you perceive more advantage to diversifying than being with one, you're going to continue going in that direction.
But if you stack up the drawbacks of the many and put the benefits of the one again, you'll move back in that direction.”
And that’s what we did.
We worked through each of the perceptions that she was wounded by in her past long-term relationships using the Demartini Method, which I teach at the Breakthrough Experience, a program I present almost every week to show people how to take whatever's happened in life and turn it into “on the way”, not “in the way” so they can become masters of their destiny instead of victims of their history.
We went through each of the wounds that she had and found out how it had served her. In doing so, she realized the upsides of events she had perceived to only have downsides, thereby balancing them and clearing them.
We kept going until she had tears of gratitude in her eyes because she could see that what she had always seen as wounds were actually gifts that had led to some powerful and wonderful experiences and relationships in her life.
In doing so, she realized that she no longer had anything to be frightened of.
Her subconscious mind had stored all these instincts to avoid and impulses to seek, and were making her look for a polarized one-sided man, which is unobtainable.
She also mentioned that for the very first time, she didn’t perceive that she had a lack, or anything missing from her life. Nor was she feeling anxious and desperate about finding a mate.
Instead, she could see the pains and pleasures in having either her soulmate exist in many people or in having her soulmate exist in one person. She was calm, objective, centered and balanced.
That was where I left her, outside of my hotel, with her words of “Thank you for teaching me how nothing is missing in my life in a time that I perceived that so much was missing.”
I later learned that she had met a new partner and last I heard they were still together.
In conclusion
If I can leave you with a few thoughts today, it’s that:
- Nothing is missing in your life.
- At the level of the soul, the state of unconditional love, when you're loving yourself, being yourself, when you realize that nothing's missing in you and that you don’t need to get rid of the half of yourself that you perceive to be negative, and when you realize that whatever you see inside others is also in you, that is when you are most ready for the soulmate.
- Nobody is missing the traits that make up the soulmate; both admired and despised traits are always there. It is always changing form. If you have pains associated with your past relationships, you will avoid it in one form, and diversify it into a variety of people to protect you from the pains that you had in those relationships.
- The soulmate is always present. It is wise to honor the form that it's in, when it's not with one, look for the many.
- Depression is a comparison of your current reality to a fantasy you can get addicted to. Relationship depression is therefore a comparison of your current reality to a fantasy that you're addicted to.
- It is wise to avoid living in a fantasy and to instead get grounded, realize that nothing's missing in you, and watch what happens to your empowerment, your centeredness and your magnetism to attract.
- If you can understand how nothing is missing, you can break through the need to spend your life looking for missing parts and trying to fulfill your life through other so-called missing people.
- I am certain that you would love to have a sharing relationship, not a dependent relationship, and one that is formed out of love and not out of lack.
- Please consider going online to do the FREE Demartini Value Determination process, so you can determine what you really value, because when you live by your highest values, you're likely to be more objective and more whole, and you realize that nothing's missing.
Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?
If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team so we can take you through your mini power assessment session.
You’ll come away with a 3-step action plan and the foundation to empower your life.
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