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DR JOHN DEMARTINI - Updated 1 week ago

In life, you have a choice. You can take command of your life and create it on your own terms, or you can subordinate to outer authorities, attempt to inject the values of others and spend your days trying to conform and fit in. The more you do that, the more you tend to minimize yourself, exaggerate others and live by duty instead of design, and the less fulfillment you are likely to experience.

Many individuals compare themselves to others, imitate what they see and end up doing things that are not truly and fully meaningful to them. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, envy is ignorance and imitation is suicide. When you try to live in other people’s values, you tend to cloud the clarity of your own values and drift from what is truly meaningful to you.

If you are inspired to define life on your own terms instead of subordinating to what others think you “should do” or “must do”, here is some food for thought to help you begin that journey.

Living by Design vs Living by Duty

Like many people, you may compare yourself to others and think, “I should have that… I need to do this… I am supposed to be that.” Any time you hear yourself using those imperatives, the “got to’s,” “have to’s,” “musts,” “shoulds,” “ought to’s” and “need to’s,” you can almost guarantee that you have injected an outer authority. Freud called that the superego - the so-called borrowed voice that creates confusion and cloudiness instead of clarity around your unique set of highest values, and pulls you away from your telos, the highest priority that truly inspires you.

In my experience, very few people give themselves permission to live as an unborrowed visionary. Instead, they tend to adopt other people’s “shoulds,” inject other people’s ideals, and lose sight of what is their true authentic self. 

Yet the truth is: who you are is an expression of what you value most. And the more you live congruently with your highest values, the more you wake up the part of you that is designed to lead your life, not live through someone else’s.

I have often said that I would rather have the whole world against me than my own soul. Your soul, your state of unconditional love, the real you, the authentic you, the essence of your being, whatever name you give it, is the part of you that knows who you are.

Giving yourself permission to be that individual is not always what the people around you want. Many times people will impose upon you the expectation that you fit in instead of stand out. Yet the truth is that you want to be loved for who you are. And who you are is an expression of what you value most.

If you do not identify what you value most and live accordingly, you are likely to subordinate, minimize yourself, and drift into a life governed by outer authorities instead of your own inspired path.

Key Takeaway: Any time you hear yourself saying the “got to’s,” “have to’s,” “musts,” “shoulds,” “ought to’s” and “need to’s,” you can almost guarantee that you have internalized an outer authority.

The Cost of Subordinating to Outer Authorities

When you subordinate to outer authorities, you also tend to diminish your own potential. As I often say, any area of your life you do not empower, someone else is going to overpower you. If you do not empower yourself intellectually, you will be told what to think. If you do not empower yourself in business, you will be told what to do. If you do not empower yourself financially, you will be told what you are worth. If you do not empower yourself in relationships, you may find yourself doing uninspiring duties just to keep the peace. And if you do not empower yourself socially, physically or spiritually, you may end up absorbing misinformation, dogma or belief systems from others without stopping to question whether they are truly yours.

The result is often a distracted mind. Anytime you are not focused on what is truly a priority to you, you become vulnerable to impulses and instincts, to seeking and avoiding, to philias and phobias, to fantasies and nightmares. 

The pleasure–pain mechanisms of the subcortical regions begin to run your life, pulling you toward immediate gratification and away from long-term purpose. The Stoics warned about this centuries ago, and the great philosophers understood it well: the moment you drift from your highest values, you drift into distraction.

So, the real question becomes: where do you want to play in the game of life?

In a state of equanimity, where you are being yourself?

Or in a state of inequity and constantly distracted by seeking-avoiding mechanisms?

Key Takeaway: Any area of life you do not empower, someone else is likely to overpower.

Questioning Authority and Reclaiming Yourself

As I mentioned earlier, throughout your life, you have likely been surrounded by people telling you what you “should do”, what you “ought to do”, what you are “supposed to do”. 

Most people never stop to question those imperatives. I have a different approach and tend to ask, “According to who?” Someone says, “You should do this,” and I respond, “According to who?” They usually pause long enough to realize they are repeating the voices of the authorities they themselves have subordinated to.

Many people subordinate to a text, a doctrine, a political movement, a mentor, a celebrity or a guru, without ever stopping to think for themselves. Yet, as I often say, whatever you see in those individuals, you also have inside yourself, to the same degree as what you see in them. You are not missing it. Anything you perceive is “missing” in your life is already present, but not yet acknowledged.

It is wise to give yourself permission to stand on your own two feet and decide for yourself. Most people offload their decisions to others because they fear rejection or conflict. They also tend to confuse sacrificing themselves for others with serving others. 

True service is a sustainable fair exchange - not minimizing yourself, not exaggerating someone else, and not giving something for nothing or trying to get something for nothing. It is being yourself in a way that inspires and fulfils both you and the people you care about.

You are not going to please everyone. Some people will like you, others will dislike you. Trying to please everybody is futile. Attempting to live inside other people’s values is also futile - you can’t sustain it. 

Key Takeaway: Whatever you admire or perceive in others, you have inside yourself to the same degree as you perceive in them.

The Power of Authenticity

Love, in its truest form, is the embracing of the two sides of yourself and the two sides of others. Whatever you perceive out there, you also have inside you. When you subordinate to outer influences and hold yourself back from being who you truly are, you tend to disconnect from that awareness.

As Einstein once said, “My contempt for authority is what made me one.” I have often said I would rather be first at being me than second at being somebody else. So, don’t try to be someone you are not. The magnificence of who you are is far greater than any fantasies you impose on yourself. Giving yourself permission to be your authentic self is where you tap into your true power. The truth is you want to be loved for that - for both sides of yourself:

The hero and the villain.

The saint and the sinner.

The positives and the negatives.

The support and the challenge.

The peace and the war.

Everything you face in life has two sides, and you want to be loved for all of it. If you attempt to live inside a moral hypocrisy that demands you get rid of half of your life, you will never fully love yourself.

It is wiser to allow yourself to be yourself in a world that often prefers conformity. When you do, you empower yourself. And the very people who once told you what you “should” do eventually turn around and respect you for standing on your own two feet. At first they may ridicule you, oppose you or condemn you; but over time, they’re more likely to appreciate you for walking your own path.

You become the author of your own destiny.

You become captain of your ship and master of your fate.

Key Takeaway: Allow yourself to be yourself in a world that often encourages conformity.

To Sum Up

• You can take command of your life on your own terms or subordinate to outer authorities and live by duty instead of design.
   
• Envy is ignorance and imitation is suicide because comparing yourself to others clouds the clarity of your own highest values.
   
• Any time you hear yourself using the “got to’s”, “have to’s”, “musts”, “should”, “ought to’s” or “need to’s”, you have likely injected an outer authority.
   
• Who you are is an expression of what you value most, and the more you live congruently, the more you awaken the part of you designed to lead.
   
• Any area of life you do not empower, someone else is going to overpower.
   
• Whatever you perceive as missing in others also exists inside you. You have no missing parts.
   
• Love is the embracing of both sides of yourself and recognizing that you live in a self-reflective universe.
   
• When you allow yourself to be yourself in a world that prefers conformity, you empower yourself and become the author of your own destiny.

If you would love support in dissolving the internal authorities that have clouded your path, in balancing your perceptions, clarifying your highest values and awakening a more authentic, governed and purposeful direction for your life, the Breakthrough Experience was designed for exactly that. 

It is a two day live online seminar where you learn how to shift your perceptions, dissolve emotional baggage and gain clarity on the mission that is already within you. If you are inspired to take the next step toward being the author of your own destiny, I would love to have you join me.

Are you ready for the NEXT STEP?

If you’re seriously committed to your own growth, if you’re ready to make a change now and you’d love some help doing so, then click on the LIVE chat button bottom right of your screen and chat to us now.

Alternatively, you can book a FREE Discovery call with a member of the Demartini Team.

 

Interested in the Breakthrough Experience seminar?

If you’re ready to go inwards and do the work that will clear your blockages, clarify your vision and balance your mind, then you’ve found the perfect place to start with Dr Demartini at the Breakthrough Experience.

In 2 days you’ll learn how to solve any issue you are facing and reset the course of your life for greater achievement and fulfillment.

Click HERE to find out more

Important Notice:
The content shared in this blog is for education and personal development. It is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any psychological or medical conditions. The information and processes shared are for general educational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional mental-health or medical advice. If you are experiencing acute distress or ongoing clinical concerns, please consult a licensed health-care provider.

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