Written, Audio and Video from Dr Demartini
Anyone can be a bully - We all have moments when we could be perceived as bullies by others. It may be by our siblings, boy or girl friends, employees, waiters, salespeople or simply by others that push our buttons strongly enough. When we have our higher values challenged enough we can become quite reactive and can display the very traits we may even despise and label as part of bullying in others. Because of our internal buffers we might imagine that we are justified by our reactions and are simply responding to the situation in a manner that others might deserve, but ultimately they or others may see us as simply acting out the role of the bully. It is sometimes wise to look in the mirror when so-called bullies strike and make sure they are not reminding us of parts of ourselves that we may have not yet owned or loved. Denying, ignoring or repressing human traits won't make them vanish, but will make them simply re-emerge in alternative ways and means. Owning our traits and understanding their roles in the dynamics of the whole of social behavior is ultimately more liberating and truthful.
There is a fine line between teasing meanness and bullying and it may be
considered by some to be simply a graded response. Or it may be the
exact same action, but be perceived as different according to the
sensitivities of the individuals perceiving and affected. Some people
experience mean and inconsiderate traits as nothing to be concerned
about, while others become deeply hurt, irate and severely affected.
Some make molehills out of mountains and others mountains out of
molehills. The same action may be perceived quite differently by two
individuals with polar opposite sensitivities. The label "bully" is
often projected onto someone by those more sensitive and those who have
never seen the potential upsides. While others might not give it the
time of day and just figure that they (the so-called bully) are having a
moment of frustration and reactiveness and see it as part of life. They
may perceive it with the perspective, "If it doesn't kill me it will
strengthen me." I find that some of the repercussions of the bullying
dynamic are not so much the sole result of the bully, but also the
result of the perception and response of the bullied. When so-called
bullied individuals have limited perceptions and numbers of responses
the result can become even more extreme. It is not always what happens
to us that counts, as it is our perceptions, decisions and reactions.
The bullied has to be on the look out for actions or behaviors that they
may be unknowingly enacting that might be drawing in or initiating the
reactions from the bully. It is more often a two sided dynamic more than
a one sided event. We can become victims of our history or masters of
our destiny. It is all up to our perspective.
To reduce the probability of participating in the bullying-bullied dynamic it may be wise to teach children how to empower their lives, how to negotiate in others values and how to utilize the power of numbers and social influence.
There are instances when kids or adults who engage in bullying behavior
feel shame or guilt over their actions. In order to see the hidden order
or the situation, I advise you to set realistic expectations on
ourselves and others - it can do wonders. When we set up unrealistic
expectations on ourselves or others we set ourselves up for the ABCDs of
negativity, namely anger and aggression, blame and feelings of
betrayal, criticism and challenge and despair and depression. When these
feelings emerge we are more likely to attract the bully or become the
bully in others perceptions. By setting intentions or goals that are
realistic and aligned with our true values and that do not defy the laws
of the universe we are more likely to be sound in mind and moderate in
bodily actions. The bullying response can often be the result of
unfulfilled expectations and imbalanced social comparisons. If a child
has become extremely reactive in behavior then having them asked what
they have learned from their dynamic and what alternative actions might
be possibly in future scenarios could be useful. Learning from our
reactions is what makes reactions into wise actions.
When ever we perceive a loss without a gain, a negative without a positive and a challenge without a support we are seeing only one side of the equation of life. There are always two sides to the coin. Those that see only one side and imagine themselves to be victims of their history and not masters of their destiny often find themselves becoming what they once condemned (social endomorphosis) - to teach them to look deeper and discover the two sides of every event which will awaken within them a feeling of appreciation for the inherent balance of life and decrease the probability of them having to repeat the cycle to teach them the lesson they overlooked previously. Whatever we have not learned to appreciate and love in our lives we create, attract or become in order to teach us to love that too. What we condemn in others is a reflection of what we are denying within ourselves. We have every trait. We are here to learn how to use them wisely.
I was so-called bullied when I was 12 by gang leaders and their gangs at a time when I felt insecure and lost until I empowered my life by the very items I outlined above and got clarity of direction. When I empowered my life the gangs and bullies dissolved away. We attract our disowned parts to teach us to own them. We do not have to get rid of any part of ourselves in order to love ourselves. It will be futile trying to rid ourselves of our own whole human nature. We are here to use the traits wisely and moderately in the circumstances that they demand. All polarities of behavior come in pairs of complementary opposites. One side without the others is illusive and unobtainable. Wisdom is embracing the necessity of the whole. Folly will be the attempt to rid ourselves of one side of the magnet of life - individually or socially.