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Writings and Insights

Written, Audio and Video from Dr Demartini

The Bully and the Bullied Dynamic



Anyone can be a bully - We all have moments when we could be perceived as bullies by others. It may be by our siblings, boy or girl friends, employees, waiters, salespeople or simply by others that push our buttons strongly enough. When we have our higher values challenged enough we can become quite reactive and can display the very traits we may even despise and label as part of bullying in others. Because of our internal buffers we might imagine that we are justified by our reactions and are simply responding to the situation in a manner that others might deserve, but ultimately they or others may see us as simply acting out the role of the bully. It is sometimes wise to look in the mirror when so-called bullies strike and make sure they are not reminding us of parts of ourselves that we may have not yet owned or loved. Denying, ignoring or repressing human traits won't make them vanish, but will make them simply re-emerge in alternative ways and means. Owning our traits and understanding their roles in the dynamics of the whole of social behavior is ultimately more liberating and truthful.


There is a fine line between teasing meanness and bullying and it may be considered by some to be simply a graded response. Or it may be the exact same action, but be perceived as different according to the sensitivities of the individuals perceiving and affected. Some people experience mean and inconsiderate traits as nothing to be concerned about, while others become deeply hurt, irate and severely affected. Some make molehills out of mountains and others mountains out of molehills. The same action may be perceived quite differently by two individuals with polar opposite sensitivities. The label "bully" is often projected onto someone by those more sensitive and those who have never seen the potential upsides. While others might not give it the time of day and just figure that they (the so-called bully) are having a moment of frustration and reactiveness and see it as part of life. They may perceive it with the perspective, "If it doesn't kill me it will strengthen me." I find that some of the repercussions of the bullying dynamic are not so much the sole result of the bully, but also the result of the perception and response of the bullied. When so-called bullied individuals have limited perceptions and numbers of responses the result can become even more extreme. It is not always what happens to us that counts, as it is our perceptions, decisions and reactions. The bullied has to be on the look out for actions or behaviors that they may be unknowingly enacting that might be drawing in or initiating the reactions from the bully. It is more often a two sided dynamic more than a one sided event. We can become victims of our history or masters of our destiny. It is all up to our perspective.

To reduce the probability of participating in the bullying-bullied dynamic it may be wise to teach children how to empower their lives, how to negotiate in others values and how to utilize the power of numbers and social influence.

  •     Physically it may be wise to have them become strong, toned and fit through physical exercise and sports and it may be wise to have them self reflect and make sure that they are not actually the initiators.
  •     Mentally it may be wise to teach them how to transform their perceptions in ways that no matter what happens to them they can find out how it may be used to serve their needs, higher values or lives and also how to communicate with the bully in a way that defuses the motive of the bully's challenging reactions.
  •     Socially it may be wise to develop a social network of friends that make it more challenging for any bully to attempt their charades due to the power of numbers, or it may be wise to notify the public or school authorities so "fair" play can be more effectively managed.
  •     Family wise it may be prudent to have children inform their parents of the dynamic so their parents can communicate with the "bully's" parents to assist in understanding or moderating the bully-bullied dynamic. Often hidden insights are revealed in this manner and undisclosed factors or actions are brought to the forefront.
  •     Financially it may be wise not to have children display extreme differences in wealth, possessions, intelligence or education that might initiate jealousies or tall poppy syndromes.
  •     Schools may create no tolerance regulations on their grounds, but that may not affect children before or after school away from the school grounds. That approach may not factor all of the components of the dynamic.

There are instances when kids or adults who engage in bullying behavior feel shame or guilt over their actions. In order to see the hidden order or the situation, I advise you to set realistic expectations on ourselves and others  - it can do wonders. When we set up unrealistic expectations on ourselves or others we set ourselves up for the ABCDs of negativity, namely anger and aggression, blame and feelings of betrayal, criticism and challenge and despair and depression. When these feelings emerge we are more likely to attract the bully or become the bully in others perceptions. By setting intentions or goals that are realistic and aligned with our true values and that do not defy the laws of the universe we are more likely to be sound in mind and moderate in bodily actions. The bullying response can often be the result of unfulfilled expectations and imbalanced social comparisons. If a child has become extremely reactive in behavior then having them asked what they have learned from their dynamic and what alternative actions might be possibly in future scenarios could be useful. Learning from our reactions is what makes reactions into wise actions.  
When ever we perceive a loss without a gain, a negative without a positive and a challenge without a support we are seeing only one side of the equation of life. There are always two sides to the coin. Those that see only one side and imagine themselves to be victims of their history and not masters of their destiny often find themselves becoming what they once condemned (social endomorphosis) - to teach them to look deeper and discover the two sides of every event which will awaken within them a feeling of appreciation for the inherent balance of life and decrease the probability of them having to repeat the cycle to teach them the lesson they overlooked previously. Whatever we have not learned to appreciate and love in our lives we create, attract or become in order to teach us to love that too. What we condemn in others is a reflection of what we are denying within ourselves. We have every trait. We are here to learn how to use them wisely.

I was so-called bullied when I was 12 by gang leaders and their gangs at a time when I felt insecure and lost until I empowered my life by the very items I outlined above and got clarity of direction. When I empowered my life the gangs and bullies dissolved away. We attract our disowned parts to teach us to own them. We do not have to get rid of any part of ourselves in order to love ourselves. It will be futile trying to rid ourselves of our own whole human nature. We are here to use the traits wisely and moderately in the circumstances that they demand. All polarities of behavior come in pairs of complementary opposites. One side without the others is illusive and unobtainable. Wisdom is embracing the necessity of the whole. Folly will be the attempt to rid ourselves of one side of the magnet of life - individually or socially.   






Find out how to empower all areas of your life by attending The Breakthrough Experience.  For upcoming dates and locations visit our event calendar.






To help your children empower all areas of their life, enroll them in Young Adults Inspired Destiny. For upcoming dates and locations visit our event calendar.

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