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Domestic Violence - The New Paradigm

By Dr. John Demartini                                                                                                                                       Domestic Violence


Domestic violence is more than just a ‘touchy' subject today. It is a way of life for millions of women who feel trapped and frightened by its impact. Almost daily some form of media mentions this ‘battering' household occurrence. Frequent articles are published about these so-called dysfunctional acts. Is it something dysfunctional or could it be the result of a misunderstood but ordered dynamic between family members? The article that follows will challenge some old paradigms and introduce some new more responsible ones concerning this most important, yet intimate topic. For this introduction I will utilize the power of a real case story.

About two months ago I was presenting one of my two-day personal development programs entitled The Breakthrough ExperienceTM in one of the larger cities in the United States. One of the female attendees was an emotionally distraught, 40-year-old mother of a 10-year-old daughter. She told the group that she was married for the second time for about one year, was being beaten almost daily and now hated her husband with a vengeance. She complained about his frequent physical and verbal battering. She was full of anger and blame, wanted a divorce and was considering having a restraining order placed on her husband for his violence. She believed she was a ‘victim' and could not see any role she was playing in her household dynamic.

I explained to her that as long as she was angry and blaming him for the battering that he would still run her life even if he were restrained from her presence. I offered her a new approach to handling her situation. I explained that if she would like to break her cycle that one of the processes we would follow that afternoon in the program called The Demartini MethodTM would help her situation as well as some additional training in the area of communicating in terms of her husband's values. She agreed to try the process, listen and learn.

This woman began The Demartini Method by listing everything she hated about her husband. She was then asked to list an equal amount of things she liked about him. I explained to her that true love encompassed a balance of traits she would like and dislike about her husband such as nice and mean, peace and war, kind and cruel, pleasant and unpleasant and attractive and repulsive. This second list took her some time for her anger blinded her from seeing his balancing positive traits. Of course he must have had some or why would she have married him in the first place. With some assistance and to her dismay she finally listed the same amount of things she liked as disliked.

Then, I had her list where she had done or was doing the same activity as her husband in some form or another in some area of her life. She at first fought this part of the process for she wanted to deny and disown many of his and ultimately her traits. But with some perseverance and creative questioning she was able to discover where she was in other's eyes as well as her own, also verbally and physically violent, cruel and inconsiderate, etc. This latter step humbled her and woke her up to a new reality.

Next, I asked her to list the actual and / or possible benefits and insights that the things she disliked in him could offer her. This blew her mind and brought her to tears on more than one occasion. For all of a sudden she discovered why she was experiencing this behavior from her husband and what purpose and meaning it had for her in her life. She was so accustomed to seeing only the negatives that she had to probe deep to discover the many underlying benefits. I explained to her that each event in life had two sides and that it was her own perspective that determined whether she made a heaven or hell out of it.

Last, I had her list where her husband had exactly the opposite traits to the ones she disliked until they were balanced. She then realized that there were times that he was overly nice, kind and considerate to balance out his fits of anger. She realized what she was doing when he played out different roles of behavior and she discovered some of his values as she worked.

When she finished filling out over fifty lines in this manner and ‘equilibrated' the hurt she experienced she was left with tears of appreciation and a heart full of love for her husband, and what she was being taught through his very actions or reactions. She realized some of the role she was playing in her dynamic and was receptive to the wisdom of changing her view of and interactions with him. She also realized that she was simultaneously receiving equal and opposite kindness and gentleness from a person who rescued and supported her that was actually partly fueling her husband's reactions.

I then went on to train her on how to more effectively communicate with her husband in terms of his values, which she hadn't consciously try to do. Before then she was trying to change him and get him to live according to her rigid set of values. She didn't understand a few basic principles of relationships; that if any two people are alike that one is not necessary; that the more you try to change the other person the more they will resist; that which you condemn you breed, and when you love people for who and what they are they begin to become who you love. I explained to her that if she continued to challenge his value system he would have his buttons pushed and become threatened and violent. I told her that the definition of caring was her being willing to honor another person enough to communicate her own values in terms of theirs.

To help her dissolve her unconscious and internal reasons for being beaten I then made her list all of the things in her life that she could remember that she was beating herself up over. She discovered quite a list and realized that she was as much battering herself as he was. I explained to her that nobody beats us up as much as we do ourselves. She went on to have a few more tears of awareness over her past. I then asked her to list how each of her own past actions or inactions ultimately served her and anyone else involved. This took some time but the effort was liberating.

When she was done she felt lighter, clearer, less frightened and fueled enough to go back to her relationship with a new approach. She spoke with her husband that night and thanked him for what contributions he had made to her life and for being patient with her while she learned to appreciate his values. He was quiet and stunned and certainly humbled by her transformation. She explained to him that she would love to learn more about finances and the art of spending on priorities and more about his work. She asked him what things she did that pushed his buttons most. To her surprise he responded with a more humble character and they began a new dialogue in their relationship. He gave her a ride to the hotel the next morning and he was encouraged by her new discoveries.

Well, this lovely lady has not been beaten ever since The Breakthrough Experience, and her husband is coming to this same program presented in August. Her relationship has new hope and she has so far broken her cycle and realized a new source of her power. Instead of being a victim she is becoming a woman of victory.  

Why present such a story you might ask, because now there is an alternative way of handling some of the ingredients of domestic violence. There is a way of changing family dynamics without legal constraints and force. There is a way of bringing a higher form of love back into the relationship and I believe it deserves to be shared. So this is why the story. There is a new paradigm available. There are some tools today that can make the difference.






Learn how all of your personal challenges are supported at the exact same time and how this balance ultimately enhances your life by attending The Breakthrough Experience. For upcoming dates and locations visit our event calendar.






Have you already attended the Breakthrough Experience, but want to understand and use the Demartini Method on a deeper level, or even professionally? Attend the Demartini Method Training Program. For upcoming dates and locations visit our event calendar.

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