Dr Demartini Speaks to Christchurch Group About Dealing with Loss and Grief
Written by Lisa Roche - Christchurch, New Zealand
Dr. John Demartini, human behavioural specialist and consultant spoke to a group of 150 people in earthquake affected Christchurch, New Zealand on how to deal with grief and loss. Dr Demartini shared with them key principals and methodologies that assisted them in finding the hidden blessings in the situations that they are facing so they could end up having some meaning in them so they could move forward on them instead of sitting there and holding on and being hurt by them.
Dr Demartini explained that loss is transformation and something will always fill the void, it may not be obvious to us, but it is always there, we just need to look for it so we can find the hidden blessings in this transformation and feel gratitude for the experience and learning that comes with such challenges.
Dr Demartini presented to this group how these methodologies and procedures can resolve tensions and stresses so they can move forward in their lives and not become victims of their history but be masters of their destiny. Dr Demartini was able to demonstrate very effectively these methodologies and procedures with two volunteers from the audience.
The first was a gentleman who felt he had lost 16 work colleagues in the CTV building in the 6.3 magnitude earthquake which struck Christchurch on 22 February 2011. Dr Demartini explained that he could work on releasing the grief felt from the loss of one person that evening to demonstrate to the audience how these methodologies work. Dr Demartini asked the gentleman, ‘with whom out of the 16 do you feel the biggest loss?' The gentleman explained that Jo was the person for which he felt the biggest loss. Dr Demartini asked ‘what is it that you miss most about Jo'? He said; ‘she was just so capable at her job. Watching the gentleman answer this question gave the impression that he absolutely idolised her, that she must have been the most amazing woman to know and work with. Dr Demartini shared with us that when we lose someone or something we tend to focus only on their good points and we elevate them to a fantasy type status which gives us a totally unbalanced view of that person. Dr Demartini then asked the gentleman ‘what were the drawbacks for you of Jo being so capable at her job'? The Gentleman's first response was ‘there were no drawbacks at all', to which Dr Demartini explained, ‘there are always drawbacks you just have to find them'. By patiently working through this together the gentleman was able to identify the drawbacks of Jo being so great at her role at CTV. These included; I was never challenged and able to grow in my role, I was not able to demonstrate my leadership qualities. The gentleman and the audience were starting to see how the gentleman's perception of Jo was beginning to change and he was able to start to bring this view back into balance and in that moment the audience could see the grief and loss the man had been suffering as he was in tears. It is important to see all the drawbacks and note them as this is a proven process and does not work to the full effect if you just touch on things. You have to feel the drawbacks you are identifying and this is what makes the process work every time for everyone if done correctly and completely.
Dr Demartini explained to the audience that when we suffer loss something will always fill the void and by identifying who or what has filled the void we have begun the process of releasing the grief we feel for the loss. We have to then identify who or what has filled the void left by the person or thing we have lost, we have to be specific and note all names so it is firmly in our thoughts. The gentleman identified several people he worked with along with a couple of authors of motivational leadership books. Once the gentleman identified those who had filled the void left behind by Jo we could all begin to see that the loss was a perception and in actual fact the void had been filled by many people. Dr Demartini then asked the gentleman to identify the benefits of having these people fill the void and these were many. They included things like; I am more empowered in my work, I am able to use and develop my leadership skills more, I am able to empower and assist others to develop their skills more & I am able to help more children than before.
It took Dr Demartini a little over an hour to assist the gentleman in releasing the grief he was feeling from the loss of his very dear friend and close work colleague. It is human nature to not want to think or identify any negative points about someone we feel we have lost, but it is necessary in order to find balance and the hidden blessings that are in these situations. The Gentleman was able to identify the hidden blessings in his situation which then changed his perception of having suffered loss and his grief could be released and replaced with gratitude and love.
Dr Demartini was then able to help an American woman who lives in Christchurch, who was separated from her NZ husband and therefore can't move back home to America because she is unable to leave with her children. She was feeling stuck in Christchurch, her home was severely damaged in the earthquake and she was not getting the financial help she felt she needed from EQC and her insurance company. She was missing her family in America and the culture and life in New York. She wanted to be successful and felt that she could not be that here in Christchurch, she was really stuck.
Dr Demartini very quickly helped her identify what she felt was missing in her life here in Christchurch by using his methodologies. Her family, restaurants & museums were high on her list of things she missed. Dr Demartini asked the questions; "so who here in Christchurch have filled the void of family?", "what are the drawbacks of living near family back home in America?". The outcome of these questions was that the woman had a wonderful group of friends who more than filled the void of family and her business and social life filled the void of restaurants and museums. It took just over an hour for the woman's perception of her situation to change so she could see that her life here in Christchurch was more fulfilling and she was growing more as a person, she was supported more by her group of friends than she would be by her family and she was independent and successful already. Her business is thriving and she is already who she wants to be. This woman was focusing on what she didn't have and was completely missing out on seeing what she does have and how successful she already is.
Watching people break through grief like that is a wonderful experience and Dr Demartini was able to help each and every one of us in that room because we were able to witness how it can be done and the enormous effect it has on people. It is my belief that we all took away tools from that evening to help us on the road to recovery from the loss and grief the earthquakes have caused and we are now looking for the hidden blessings in each and every situation and feeling gratitude for those blessings. Thank Dr Demartini for helping us in Christchurch, it was a real pleasure to watch you work and we look forward to seeing you again.