The Top 10 Relationship Myths


From the time we are children we are taught, through fairy-tales and popular culture, what true love is “supposed” to be.  Who hasn’t heard about the “happily ever after” and other misleading fantasies?  If you are like most people you continue to buy into these childhood ideas, even in adulthood.  However, believing in these common myths stunts your personal growth, interferes with your life and keeps you from fully experiencing the riches that every relationship has to offer.

Let’s look at the top ten relationship myths, take them apart and shine a light on these dark fantasies.

Myth #1: A (New) Relationship Will Make Me Happy

During the initial infatuation phase of a relationship, you see mostly the positive side of the experience – strong attraction, positive traits and potential for lasting happiness – but that’s just a delusion.  Regardless of how well a relationship begins, you will eventually experience both ups and downs; contentment and sadness.  A relationship will not change this natural experience of human emotions.

Myth #2: When I Find My Soul Mate, I’ll Feel Complete

Living as if your one-and-only soul mate will complete you, will only lead to heartbreak.  The illusions that you project onto your “loved ones” will inevitably fall apart when they behave as any other normal human would.  A soul mate can be any person, or several people, in your life right now that fully complement you, and help you find your own “wholeness”.

Myth #3: The Right Relationship Will Last Forever

For every relationship beginning, there is another falling apart so the idea of “forever” is a childish notion.  The right relationship lasts as long as both people in it would love it to last. And are willing to empower themselves and offer value and communicate in each other’s highest values.

Myth #4: Once We Get Past These Rough Waters, It’ll Be Smooth Sailing

Relationships are not static and no one remedy will eliminate all your supposed troubles.  As I mentioned above, life involves a balance of difficulty and ease; of liberty and constraint.

Myth #5: A Good Relationship Requires Sacrifice

Simply put, sacrifice breeds resentment.  Anytime you do something you don’t want to do, or see no benefit to yourself in doing, then you will become resentful.  This may happen immediately, or unconsciously, but it will happen. It is wiser to master the art of communicating what your value in terms of what they value.

Myth #6: Great Sex Happens Only at the Beginning of a Relationship

Both lust and intimate lovemaking can continue to grow and evolve throughout a relationship, as long as you understand and disable the unrealistic expectations that might shut it down.  This includes the myths listed here.

Myth #7: In the Right Relationship, I Won’t Have to Work at It

Many people hang on to the idea that being with someone should happen “naturally”, however a fulfilling relationship requires concentration, organisation, effort and skill.

Myth #8: If I’m Not Involved with Someone, I’ll Be Lonely

People can feel lonely in a crowded room; loneliness is a function of how you perceive yourself relative to your environment.  Expecting another person to “give you” something is misguided. You can sleep right next to someone and yet feel a thousand miles distant or be a thousand miles distant but feel as if they are close.

Myth #9: Children Complete a Marriage

Children do not complete a couple any more than romantic partners complete each other.  Others can often play surrogate roles of children.

Myth #10: Opposites Attract

Ultimately you have no true opposite, only an apparent opposite, as every human has the same potential for love, anger, greatness, hope, despair etc.  What you see in romantic partners is also present in you; just expressed in a different way.

More information can be found in Dr Demartini’s book The Heart of Love or his new title The Values Factor.

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Author: Dr J Demartini

Author, Leadership and Performance Specialist, Educator, Business Consultant and Founder of the Demartini Institute

12 Replies to “The Top 10 Relationship Myths”

  1. Thank to you, I was able to dissolve the myth of the relationship : I was always (even unconsciously) expecting that a relationship would make me happy, and thanks to your book “The Heart of Love”, I could really dissolve this illusion !

  2. My partner and I both read The Heart of Love at the beginning of our relationship, and both did Breakthrough around that time too. The key thing, so simple yet so profound, is that any relationship will bring both support and challenge, both “good” things and “bad” things, etc, in equal measure. Realising this has empowered us to create two-and-a-half years, and counting, of profound fulfilment in our relationship. Whenever something about my fiance, her actions or her family comes up that I find hugely challenging, rather than labelling it difficult or blaming her, I simply say, “Well, she’s sooooo supportive, that there has to be some challenge to balance it.” And in that moment, it truly ceases to be a big deal. She in turn describes me as “the most challenging person I have ever met”. And yet she is able to embrace that because she also sees how supportive I am and she knows that the two must be balanced. We both got divorced in the past after having unrealistic, fantasy expectations of our partners and our marriages. Whereas now, when either of us asks the other (as we occasionally do), “On a scale of 0 to 10 how fulfilled are you in our relationship?” the answer is always 9 or 9.5. The only reason it isn’t 10 is because we know it can get even better 🙂

  3. Thank you, John, for the wonderful insights into human behavior. Ever since I read some of your books, the way I interact with people in my life has changed drastically. Before I used to have the exact portrait of the man I should be with – or, rather, what he should not be like. Since The Breakthrough Experience I have been able to have fulfilling relationships without imposing expectations on the men I was with and enjoying every moment with them, even the challenges. I’ll admit, at times it was hard.

    To give an example, I used to judge people based on my perception of the meaning of their behavior. So when I became involved with a very successful man 17 years my senior and he did not pursue me as intensely as I would have wanted (it didn’t occur to me that maybe I should communicate my desire or give what I wanted before expecting to receive it), I decided to break it off with him. But before that I realized I was having some unrealistic expectations about the way our relationship should be, and decided I would stop assuming and tell him what I needed instead. The very next day he called me, and during our conversation he expressed his feelings for me openly, in a way he never had before. After that there were some instances of hot-and-cold behavior on my part (mainly because I am very career-oriented at the moment), but every time I would center myself and get balanced, reminding myself of the reasons I was with him in the first place, and it turned out to be the most intense and relationship I’ve had far.

    Now I am in another relationship, just as fulfilling, though not as intense. In the beginning I was unsure whether to keep being in this relationship, because it’s not the tight, close type I’ve had so far, but then I realized I wouldn’t appreciate and enjoy a close, seeing-each-other-every-day, talking-to-each-other-every-day type of relationship right now because I have a very active, very busy lifestyle and plan to accomplish many things.

    In a nutshell, I’ve learned to keep unrealistic expectations as far away from my mind as possible, whenever I notice them.

    Regarding relationships in general, just a few weeks ago I helped dissolve a fight between my father and my sister, where my father was angry because my sister doesn’t keep her room clean and doesn’t study as much as he would like (although she gets remarkable at school and is among the top five of her classroom). I explained to him how different people have different values and pointed out my sister’s values, making him realize where she is ordered, focused, organized, etc, and the things that are lowest on her value list, where she tends to procrastinate, be lazy about, etc. Similarly, I showed him how HE has order and focus and drive when it comes to his highest values, and laziness and chaos in his lowest values. Ironically (though quite understandably), one of his lowest values is helping with order and cleaning in the house – it’s actually a source of tension between my parents, so essentially he was mad at my sister for something he himself hated doing. After that he was completely understanding and asked me for advice.

    So thank you, once gain, for the wisdom you share with the world every single day.

  4. John you have changed my perception and my life. I now understand that my hubby is both sinner and saint. Happy wife happy life no longer applies here. Sometimes I need him to get me really annoyed so I challenge my ideas

  5. Relationships are not about giving in, but giving 100% from each person. It’s not a 50/50 relationship, but a 100/100 relationship that thrives. Long lasting relationships endure the ups and downs while supporting the other person’s ups and downs.

  6. Dr John helped me realize that there has to be 2 sides in a relationship and we need the bad with the good, we also need to realize our spouse will not be a yes person to everything we do and they have that right, thank you Dr John

  7. Re-membering universal wisdoms as delivered by De John re-minds me how to best love, communicate , share and stay balanced in my relationships and my expectations My ego wants to play a way smaller and meaner game. Thanks for the example of your generous spirit, Dr John.

  8. I met Dr. Demartini at Hilton Sydney on the empowernet seminars. I heard his words on the relation between Body Chemistry, Hormones and the effect of relationships on body chemistry and psychology. He made me realize both sides of the coin on my relationship with my mother which had been through turmoil after her depression from my younger sister’s birth and I could love her unselfishly again….

    Thanks you Dr. Demartini.

  9. I’m half way through The Values Factor and already I’ve put into practice the “communicating what you value in terms of what they value” advice. I really want to go travelling but my partner is just not interested. I figured out his highest values are around doing lots of different activities (albeit in our home town), so I’ve planned a trip around doing lots of little adventures and he’s really keen – so now it’s a win win situation! He gets to do ‘stuff’ and I get my overseas holiday 🙂

  10. From NIGERIA in Africa to Dr Demartini,.. It is a BLESSING having a TEACHER Like YOU in My WORLD … WE ARE BLESSED, Thank YOU.

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